Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Side job.. your thoughts?

I'm thinking about becoming an independant sales rep for www.doubleblessingscandles.com. You'll have to check it out and read up on it but basically part of the proceeds for selling these candles goes to help couples fight IF and I would earn 40% of my sales. This company is based out of IL and I've actually owned quite a few of these candles, which are awesome by the way! I figure what a perfect way for me to earn some extra dough and help out other IFers. What do you guys think?

Friday, May 29, 2009

~Sigh~

I feel like I'm dying. Literally. I'm totally blank. I feel like nothing good will ever happen for us. My heart is so fucking broken right now. I feel like it will never heal. I hate this, I seriously fucking hate this. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that... just wanting to get some of this out before it puts me completely over the edge.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I let it out...

Of course I couldn't NOT cry all day long. Please. I had myself a nice good cry session and now I feel better. For now anyway. I'm trying to tell myself that it isn't over yet, that there's still a chance. An extremely small chance. But A chance.

Jake and I decided that we are in dyer need of a get away and we need to do it fast. Emotionally we are spent and we need some positive "us" time. We are looking into going on a nice road trip (about 6 hour drive) and stay in a cabin in KY next weekend. I'm not sure at this point if we will be going for sure or not but I'm really hoping it all works out. We would be spending the weekend hiking and basically just being out doors and relaxing. Our cabin will have a hot tub which I WILL be letting Jake get into =).

Our next step is to have a consult w/our RE & an RE in St Louis that a friend of mine went to. I want to compare what the two think and what their protocol will be. We plan to do this over the next month or so. We are also planning on starting the adoption process this summer too. I'm anxious to start both things. We will be TAB from TTC for the summer and plan to spend it having fun and trying to do things for US.

I will be POAS again Friday and then again on Sunday. BETA is Monday.

BFN

As expected. I haven't cried... maybe I'm just immune now. Maybe it's acceptance. I don't know. It could be early ya, but we know that BFN isn't going to change. I do anyway. I just don't understand.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

POASing

Welp I broke down and bought some FRER yesterday so I plan to POAS tomorrow morning. I will be 12DPO, 9DP 3DT. I'm off tomorrow so if its a BFN I have the day to sit at home and whaler in my own self pity. I'm hoping to almighty God that the only tears shed by me tomorrow are tears of joy. Stay tuned...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Googin floggen

I don't know that that means but that's my title today. My mind is a freaking mess.. so badly that I can't even come up w/a decent title damn it. I had to go back to work today. It pretty much sucked, like everyday. Nah... it wasn't that bad but it was hard to go back after being gone for almost a week. I had training in the morning which I was happy about because it gave me extra time to sit down and not stress. But alas.. there was an "I'M PREGNANT" announcement. Ugh. That makes 5 (that I know of) girls that are pregnant at work. For fuck sakes when is it going to be my turn? I know, I know I should be all positive and what not but I'm not. I knew I wouldn't be. I know this FET is going to be a bust just like the rest. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have to figure out a way to live my life and be happy. I just don't want the only pieter patter of little feet in my house to be from my dogs. ~Sigh~

Monday, May 18, 2009

PUPO- Take 3

I will make this short as I need to get back to laying on the couch...

Out of the 4 frozen embryo's we had left only 2 made it. We had one 8 cell grade B & one 6 cell grade B. Apparently that's what they were at when we froze them so they haven't grown at all. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The RE seemed kind of neutral about it. I'm really disappointed that only 2 made it but I just have to be positive that one of those 2 will pull through this time. BETA is June 1st.

I hope everyone else is doing well. Hope to catch up soon.... for now its back to bed rest.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Funerals & stupid comments

Today was grandma's funeral. It was a nice service. There were lots of stories told that I never knew about. Some made me laugh, others made me cry. My grandma was one hell of a woman. I never really realized how much alike we were until today. My grandma was quite the talker, just like me. My grandma told it like it was, just like me. Not to mention how much we look alike. Only real difference is that she was an awesome cook. I on the other hand am terrible! I will miss her so much. I've been missing her for years though... she'd been going down hill for awhile and hadn't been the same in along time.

At the funeral I had some of the stupidest stuff said to me. Not about grandma but about my IF and FET coming up on Monday. Not sure who told the world (probably my mom) but OMG!! Half of these people I barely even talk to. I couldn't tell you how many "I'll be praying for you Monday" or "You just need to relax and it will happen" comments I got. So many that at one point I actually said to someone... "You know, relaxing isn't going to do shit for me, I'm young yes, but that doesn't mean squat. Don't tell me to relax." I probably just should have let all of that roll of my shoulders but... I had to speak up. It was driving me nuts. And #1 worse comment was said by a close relative that has known what was going on for along time (My mom tells him everything). At the visitation in front of EVERYONE standing outside he said LOUD as hell... "HEY Jayme, are you still trying to have a baby or have you given up?" I just glared at him and said "Yep" and walked inside and shut the door behind me. COME THE FUCK ON PEOPLE! Who does that? Seriously? Like being there didn't suck bad enough, I had to deal w/stupid IF comments from dumb people for the last 2 days!

As always thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

We're a go! (Take 3)

I had another RE appt today and things look WAYYY better. My estrogen level was at a 810. Which the nurse said was super! I didn't catch what my lining measured but my RE said it was much thicker and my uterus looks much better than it did Monday (Monday he said it looked good so I guess now its awesome=). FET#2 is set for Monday at 1:00. Thank god. I was so afraid it would be canceled. I'm so relieved that things are looking up. Now I just have to hope that my embies do well and are of good quality. ~Fingers Crossed~.

Grandma's visitation is today... I'm not looking forward to it. Not that anyone ever is but... I really hate these things. I've seen far too many deaths in my short 25 years of life. Many friends, uncles, Grandparents, my Dad. I could go on but you get my point. I ~loathe~ visitations and funerals. When I die I don't want to have a visitation and funeral I want a big party. Maybe a big kegger w/a bond fire where everyone can celebrate life.

I almost forgot to tell you all... I apparently have a mouse living in my car. That's right my CAR! I have had many peanut butter crackers being eaten and I went to eat a piece of gum last night which I keep in my car... yep little chew marks on my bubble gum! We put traps out last night but haven't caught the little bastard yet. How disgusting!

I hope to be able to catch up w/you all this weekend. Sorry to make this so short but I need to pick up the house a bit and start getting ready for the visitation. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Love you guys!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Bad Day

I guess I will put all of this in bullets because its so random of just how terrible my day has been.
  • My grandma passed away today. She'd been sick for a while and was in the nursing home. It breaks my heart to know that she is no longer w/us. She was such a great grandma. I remember spending countless nights at her house. I had so much fun there. I just feel so horrible for my mom... she's now watched her dad die of cancer, my dad die of a massive heart attack & now her mom of old age, dementia, and a hodge podge of different things. The visitation is Thursday and Funeral on Friday. God I'm going to miss her.
  • I had an RE appt this morning. My lining was at a 8.4 and estrogen was 208. They like for the estrogen to be at 250 so now I'm taking estrogen orals on top of my patches. My transfer will not be Thursday.. its looking more like Monday or Tuesday. I go back Thursday morning so I should know for sure then. Great... at least it didn't get canceled. Yet anyway.
  • Work sucks ass. I swear if one more piece of equipment breaks I'm going to loose my fucking mind. Everyday its the same old crap. It wouldn't so such a big deal if something broke down BUT the piece of equipment that keeps breaking is a major machine that we use to count money everyday.. because of the pile of poo my drawer was off $20,000 today. At least I figured it out! If I had to show my drawer off that I probably would have lost my job. AND IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT!?!?! Damn machine!
  • I will probably be very busy this week w/the funeral and helping my mom w/stuff so I'm sorry if I don't get around to comments for a few days. I love you all & I hope everyone has a much better week than me!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Who will be there for us?

After work tonight I went to a local restaurant that has been around for ages. There are a lot of older people that eat there for every meal of the day. They have the best fried chicken and noodles which is why I was there picking up food in the first place. Anywho so I'm standing in line waiting to pick up my chicken and I look over to my right and there is an elderly couple paying for the meal they had just ate in the diner. The woman must have had Alzheimer's or something like it and was very shaky and kind of shook back and forth and but the man seemed to be in rather good health considering he was probably in his 80's. The man was very patient with his wife and helped her with her purse and helped her walk through the lobby and out the door. I watched this couple the whole time. It made me feel very happy that she had such a great husband that was so patient with her and that she had someone to take care of her while she was in that condition instead of being put in a nursing home. Almost immediately I thought... man what if something happens to the husband, where would she go? Who would take care of her? Does she have children that could care of her? I hoped she did. After thinking about this woman for a while I then thought... what about me? What if something happens to Jake. Who would take care of me? What if I get sick like that when I'm old, who's going to take care of me? What if we never do have children? What if something happens to me, who will take care of Jake? If we never have children one of us will most likely die alone. How long would it take someone to find our body? Who will come visit? Who will celebrate our birthday's? Who will get us a Christmas gift? It's things like this that I hadn't thought about until now and these are things that will continue to haunt me. I don't want to die alone & I don't want Jake to die alone.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Award & some more random's



Thank you Jenny C for the award! Now I have to nominate 5 other Super Bloggers... I nominate Dot, Margariet, Sherry, Misty & Steph. They are all super Super Bloggers =) I could nominate tons more as I love all the blogs on my blog roll to the right BUT I can only pick 5 =(

Now for the random boringness of my life.

  • I have my FET in exactly 1 week. Yeah, yeah I'm getting a BIT more excited about it. That is a very small BIT though. I'm still mostly just wanting it to be over so I can try and collect myself and decide what the hell I'm going to do next.
  • People at work are driving my banana's about baby talk. Grr... how much can people talk about babies! Its really getting to me. What am I to do though? It's not like I can say "Hey prego's can you stop talking about your babies while I'm around? I don't want to hear it all day." Probably not the best thing for me to do.
  • Lupron has been giving me the worst f`in headaches. All I want to do is lay in my room in the dark. Light sucks.
  • So Saturday at work we are passing out flowers to all the mom's that come in for Mother's Day. Yeah I'm lucky enough to have to work this Saturday. Just what I want to do, pass out flowers to mom's. Not my idea if you hadn't noticed.
  • I guess that's all I have to say today. My head is killing me and I can't think clearly. I'm going to lay down for awhile!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Send hugs...

Please go over to Margariet's blog and send her some hugs. She needs them today.

http://thelifeof-m.blogspot.com/

Friday, May 1, 2009

FET cycle has begun

I had an RE appt yesterday for another u/s & b/w. Things are looking great so I've officially started my 2nd FET cyle. I started Lupron and stopped BCP Monday. AF found me yesterday and I also started the estrogen patches last night. I have another u/s & b/w planned for the 11th and transfer is set for the 14th. I'm really hoping that maybe my embies will be of better quality this time and hopefully all 4 will make it so I can transfer them all. ~Fingers crossed~ I asked about the endometrial biopsy and they said they didn't think it was necessary because I'm on progesterone & estrogen supplements so if there was a problem w/my lining that would take care of it. Urm... does this sound right to you? I was just like "umm okay then." I didn't ask about my lining being so thin because I'm HOPING I just misheard last time. I'm going to see what its at on the 11th and if its not what I think it should be I will speak up. Basically I get the feeling from them that there is nothing left that they can/will do for me. According to them I've had all the tests and we are unexplained. I hate that. I want an answer. If this doesn't work we plan to have an official consult w/my RE and see what he says and then have a consult w/a different RE if mine can't give me any answers. We still plan to TAB from June-August due to my work schedule and need for some TLC for myself and the hubs.

On a different note.. the weather here is horrible! It wont stop raining. I'm so pissed because we planned to go shopping for flowers and get them planted this weekend. Looks like we will be shopping for them but it will be a while before they get planted. Its supposed to rain all next week too. Blah.

I've also been thinking a lot about Mothers Day this year and the fact that I think its a shitty holiday. I think all women should be celebrated that day. Are any of you doing anything for yourselves that day? Does your hubbie get you a gift? I was talking to Jake about it and I think we might get each other a little something for Mothers/Fathers day just to make ourselves feel somewhat special that day. Your thoughts on the subject?