Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Taxes

Okay ladies.... as most of you know I work at a bank and of course I see these whopping big tax refunds of like $9000+. I swear if I see one more chick w/5 kids w/5 different daddy's come in to cash that damn refund check I'm going to scream! Every year this drives me nuts but this year is the worst. Maybe its because I want a damn refund and a baby! Jake & I have to pay in every year and for once I'd like to get a refund! Even if it was $5 at least we didn't have to pay in! Jake is a self employed carpenter so we have to pay in quarterly... sucks! We don't make big bucks or anything so why in the hell can't we catch a break!?! I just sooooooooooo hope our FET works in March that way I'm due the 1st of Dec so I can finally get a refund. Although it will be very small at least it will be something! GRRRR. Being a DINK (dual income, no kids) sucks!!!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Well humph

Looks like I'm having an annovulatory cycle. Yippy... I'm back to my old ways! I started Provera today so I'm expecting AF w/in the next 10 days. Then I get to start BCP for 21 days followed by Lupron/estrogen & progesterone! FET should be right on time mid March. I'm terrified of it. I was off work today just sitting at home, alone, thinking about it. It has totally made me depressed all over again. If this fails I seriously think I will end up in the loony bin.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Abortion

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090124/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_abortion_ban

I seriously cant believe my eyes. Am I reading this correctly? Are my tax dollars really going to support abortion clinics? I am so livid right now. I can't even fucking believe this. I think abortion is WRONG! If you get yourself KU deal w/it. Put your baby up for adoption if you don't want it. Abortion is KILLING. If you disagree w/me that's fine. Don't read my blog! Period! I feel very strongly about this subject and no one will change my mind. I feel this more than ever going through IF and knowing that if I can't have kids my chances at being able to adopt are so low because it's so expensive and there simply aren't enough babies in the US. Of course there would be if it weren't for abortions. I really think I could cry right now. Of course there is nothing I can do about it. My tax dollars that I work hard for are going to go to something that I can't stand. Basically I feel that my money is going to help pay for someone to kill their baby when all I want in this world is to have one. Morally fucked up.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

A little bit of this & that

  • Ugh. I have ANOTHER UTI infection! I just don't get it. I had one 3 months ago and before that I think I had one like 3 years ago! Why am I getting them all the sudden? Its starting to tick me off.
  • We are leaving Saturday for our STL trip. I'm really not wanting to go. I know I will have fun but I know Jake will go off w/the guys & I'll be stuck w/the fertiles. Just thinking about it is making me sick to my stomach. I'm seriously going to have to get shit faced to have a good time!
  • I'm on CD17 & still no O in site. Damn it. I used up all 7 OPK's and I'm not buying anymore. I'm was really hoping to O so that I didn't have to take provera. Provera is the devil. I end up having 2 week AF's on that. Not looking forward to it! I have to get my progesterone taken Monday so I shall know for sure then. At least once AF arrives I get to start my BCP's and get this FET cycle started! I'm getting excited & feeling more optimistic.
  • I was doing really good the last week w/out having any break down bawling sessions. That is until Tuesday night & again last night. I can't believe how hard this has been on me. I just don't even feel like the same person anymore. I'm so consumed w/this sadness and grief. I've never been one to pray but lately I have literally been begging God to send me a miracle or at least some kind of sign to send me down the right path. I've asked to have a dream about my dad where we can talk so I can hear what he had to say about all of this. I just wish so badly that I could talk to him... even if it is only in my dreams. Its been so long since I've had a dream about my dad. I hate that.
  • Acupuncture is going good. I go back again tomorrow. I'm not sure how much it is actually helping me but I've still been sleeping really well & I feel as though my stress level has gone down which is a plus! Jake is also getting acupuncture done w/me tomorrow so "we can get our energy on the same level" hehe. This should be interesting.
  • Trash bags... did you even think they would cause drama? I sure as hell didn't At work we have a cleaning service & for some reason they are like obsessed w/trash bags. I just don't get it. I'm dead serious when I say that every other time they are there they leave me a note on my desk saying we need more trash bags... big black ones. Huh? I just got big black ones last week how the hell are you out already? They left me a note today saying that "we need more big black ones, the bigger the better. This time don't wait so long before you get them." Ugh screw you bitch! All give you a big black one... a big black eye! These people are driving me crazy over freaking trash bags!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Weekend Nonsense

I don't have anything in particular to talk about today but I feel as though I should write about something! Its Sunday. I hate Sunday's. All day all I can think about is having to go back to work tomorrow. Ugh. Work. Ugh. This weekend didn't amount to a whole lot.

Friday night my "fertile friend" that you have already read about came over w/her husband. Yep. The same husband that just weeks ago she was threatening to leave (hes home on leave from over seas). Strange. Since her husband & mine are friends I don't have much of a choice but to smile and bear it. She didn't say a whole lot and neither did I. No fertile comments were made and I said nothing of infertility. It was halfway pleasant. A big group of friends including "fertile friend" and recent pregnant friend, and another couple that just had a baby & I are going to ST Louis next Saturday night for some gambling and drinking. Of course Jake & I will be the only ones there w/empty arms & an empty womb. Sucks ass. I plan on getting pretty tipsy just to get through the whole thing. Maybe I will be surprised and have a great time. If nothing else I'll get to eat great food & stay in a hotel w/my honey and get some "bowchikawawa" (I have no idea how to spell that) going on. On the down side I hate to spend all that money on one night.

My acupuncture is going "okay". I'm not sure if this woman is making things worse or better. Maybe it just has to get worse before it gets better? I can definitely tell that I'm not feeling as much stress and I seem to be in better spirits BUT since I have been there I believe I'm getting a UTI infection & a yeast infection. Never had a yeast infection so this one is new to me. Also my urine seems to be a bit cloudy. I've been sleeping really good the last few days too so I'm really happy about that. Could it be that she is just flushing out all kinda of toxins in my body and that why I seem to be getting infections? Maybe this is all in my head... who knows. I go back Monday & Friday of this week so we shall see what other "symptoms" I gain.

On the TTC front not too much is going on. I'm on CD13 waiting to O. If I do. I've been OPKing and haven't gotten a + which isn't abnormal. Sometimes I don't get a + at all. I temped Saturday but slept in to late today. I will start that up Monday for sure. I'm anxious to just get this C over and for March to get here already! Thank god Jan is going by fast & I hope Feb does too. Until then I plan to BD/FD like a couple of jack rabbits!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

RE update, Acupuncture, Random's

I had my consult today w/my RE regarding this past IVF cycle and the upcoming FET cycle. The plan is to have my progesterone checked this cycle on CD21 to see if I've ovulated. If not I start provera & if I did I wait for AF or a BFP (hahahaha). After AF's arrival I will begin BCP for 21 days then start progesterone & estrogen after that. FET should be in mid March. We will thaw 4 and hope to god at least 3 survive. I'd really like to transfer 4 this time if I could. The RE and IVF nurse said they were all very surprised that the IVF didn't work. I don't know if I should be glad or sad about that comment. I also asked what exactly was wrong w/us since everything has been corrected that was once wrong and they have now put us in the unexplained IF category. Lucky us.

I started Acupuncture today. I thought it was really weird. The lady was very nice but odd. She said she is hoping I get KU this cycle on our own and we need to change our position to doggy style. Imagine my face when she actually said "doggy style." I found it to be pretty funny. She also wants me to prop my butt up for 1hr after sex. Urm... I was always told that did nothing. She also said I was very stressed out, hormonal, moody & on the verge of depression. I already knew these things but I'm hoping she can help w/that if nothing else. I am supposed to go back Thursday and then 2 times a week after that for the next 2 weeks for a total of 6 session at $65 a piece, ins. covering nada. Jake is supposed to go for 2 sessions so we can "get our energy on the same level." I think this lady just might be a quack.

After our visit w/the RE we went to PetSmart to get a tooth brush and paste for Ellie's bad breath and rotting teeth. We tried to brush them tonight and she absolutely hated it. Hopefully it will get easier over time.

On our drive home from the RE (2 hrs away) Jake got a speeding ticket! Not surprising. He was going 72 in a 55. This will be the 2nd ticket he has gotten in Springfield since we started going in May. I just love all the money that City has been costing me!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Emotions and Feelings

I'm starting to feel really alone & wanting to isolate myself from the world. Jake & I are starting to argue because all I do is cry and bitch about TTC and our failed IVF. I feel so hurt. So screwed. So left out. A friend of ours just came over today an announce that they are pregnant. I knew it was coming as they have been trying since May but alas it stung and as soon as he left I shut myself in my room so I could cry. I just don't understand why this happened to us. What did I do wrong? I told Jake that I was sorry that he was stuck w/me because I know if he was w/someone else he wouldn't be having these problems. He says its "our" problem but that is still how I feel. I feel like I'm letting him down & ruining his life along w/mine. I haven't been talking a whole lot to anyone since my BPT including my husband. I just want to be left alone. A part of me just wants to say enough is enough, I'm done. But I know I cant stop. I will never be happy until I have my baby. I feel like if I keep going and keep failing this hole in my heart will only get bigger and only ruin me more. I feel so torn. I know I will do the FET as I will not waste my embryo's but if that fails I'm afraid I will not be able to carry on. I will not have the ability emotionally. I'm torn between wanting to keep trying yet failing & being miserable or giving up and being miserable. Either way I'm screwed. The only thing that can make everything all better is a baby and I'm starting to feel the weighing in my heart that it really isn't going to happen no matter how hard I try or how much I want it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Cycle 18, Cycle Day 1

Welp the old evil witch showed up this morning. I'm glad she just hurried up and got here instead of staying away. I just want to get things moving again. I called the RE and got my consult appt set up for Tuesday. We will go over this past IVF cycle and decide what are next plan of attack is. As for this cycle goes its pretty much a TAB/DIY cycle to let my body get back to normal. I plan to temp & OPK. I figure what the hell I'll give it one more shot all natural! Again I wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you. You are all so awesome!

Monday, January 5, 2009

BPT=BFN

I was expecting it. I POAS this AM and it was negative so I knew my BPT would be too. I've cried my heart out enough over the last few days that I'm actually okay. I haven't cried at all today. Not even when I heard it was a definite no. I have to admit, it hurts. My heart actually hurts and my stomach feels like I've just been kicked and could vomit at any given moment. I feel like I've been screwed. Why did I have to be the 53% that doesn't get pregnant and not be one of the lucky 47% that did. I am lucky enough to have 8 frozen embryo's that are of very good quality so we still have at least 1 FET attempt left. The RE's office told me to stop taking all my meds & wait for my period and call them to set up a consult w/the RE. I'm not sure how long it will be before I can start my FET cycle. I'm wondering if I wont have to wait a month to let my ovaries get back to normal or if that even matters since they wont be stimulated? I haven't a clue what all goes into FET cycles. When we do have our consult I'm going to demand answers. I just don't understand. I feel like there has to be something that is being missed here. I want to know why. The embryos were perfect, my lining was perfect.. I did everything I was supposed to do. WHY didn't it take? I suppose I will never know and that's the worst part of all. I'm so scared of the FET cycle just for the fear of failing again. I remember how hopeful & excited I was when I first went on Provera to start AF... then onto Clomid. OMG I thought Clomid was the miracle drug and bam I'd be pregnant. After that failed numerous times and we started seeing the RE we started w/IUI's right away. Okay I thought IUI's that will get the sperm right where it needs to be, no problem this will work for sure. 4 Cycles (I think) of IUI's w/Clomid & HCG 1 w/inj & HCG all being BFN's I thought okay... enough is enough. I cant take it anymore. Thank god for IVF, I mean IVF always works right? WRONG! Now I'm thinking what comes after IVF? What can I pour my heart into next & just know it will work? Nothing. There is nothing after IVF.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Still a chance?- Updated

An incredible small chance. I POAS this AM and got a veeeerrrry faint line. The same line that I got yesterday. Much much lighter than Wednesday's. I figure it is still the HCG coming out of my system as AF would be due today and if I wasn't on progesterone and I would think the line would be much darker than this. If I am KU or ever was it was very short lived. I still have my BPT Monday which I'm expecting to be a big ZERO. I do not plan to test anymore because I just don't see the point. I called the RE just to see if I could get a BPT today so I wouldn't have to wait the whole weekend and the nurse told me no because the FRER could be just picking up the HCG and they had to wait until they knew that was out before giving me any results. I knew this already but I guess I was just hoping she would give me some positive incite. She said they have had many women that were very pregnant that got a very faint line so not to really look at the darkness of the line meaning anything. I know there is a VERY SMALL chance that it worked but my faith is gone. I can not tell you the amount of tears I have shed since Wednesday night nor the amount of time I have cursed god for why he has done this to me. I feel as though I am loosing my faith in everything. Yes I am hopeful for my FET but completely terrified of going through all of this again. Not to mention my deductible started over on the 1st. I just want some answers as to why this didn't work. I know I will never know for sure but I feel as though something is being missed. If everything about my body has been corrected when why has nothing worked? If the only problem w/Jake is a low count than why did IUI's not work? And for gods sake why wouldn't IVF work? I could go on and on about it but I will stop here. Thank you all for staying positive for me!

~Just added~
I just got a call from the Vet & my cat (lives w/my mom) has been diagnosed w/Feline Immunodeficiency virus which is the feline form of HIV. This disease is untreatable but he could still live for years w/the disease. I have to take him for frequent blood tests to monitor him & he is not allowed to go outside because he can spread the disease to other cats & catch infections. He is a little over 8 years old. I called my mom to let her know what was going on and she said "well what am I going to do? I'm moving to ______ in the Spring & Toby cant be in the house!" Thanks mom. Looks like Toby will be homeless & I will most likely have to put him down because my mom's stupid fucking boyfriend doesn't want him in his house. I would take Toby to my house but he would seriously kill my dogs. They would never get along. Unless I can find someone what would want to take care of a sick cat Toby's life will probably end this Spring. Fuck Fuck Fuck. WHY DOES THIS SHIT KEEP HAPPENING?????

Also I got a message from "fertile friend" on my myspace asking if I wanted to go w/her Sunday to get a tattoo. Um... no. Lets back up a few days I haven't updated on her. Well I didn't say anything to her a few day's ago about her comment that I'm jealous of her baby BUT she sent an email to me telling me she is leaving her husband. Her husband is currently over sea's fighting in the war. Apparently she sent him an email on Christmas day telling him this. Now her husband & mine are best friends. My husband HATES her w/a passion. After hearing all of this and her message today acting like everything was all hunkey dorey I decided enough is enough & I'm telling her how I feel. I told her that I was pissed off by her comments to me and I basically didn't want to be her friend anymore & told her she was a shitty friend for being that way to me. I feel much better. I'm sure it will all get twisted around but I don't care. If there are friends of mine that want to believe her shit then fuck them too. I'm done. I'm tired of having people like that in my life. AMEN! I feel so much better right now.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

BFN

Happy Fucking New Year To Me.