Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Scared

Reality is finally setting in. This whole time I've been TTC I've feared never being able to have children but deep down thought "oh its going to happy dont worry." Now I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm realizing that this may not be so. I'm realizing that IVF may not even work for us. I've went from thinking clomid was a big deal (Ohhh its gonna work I'm so excited shit) to beginning the process of IVF. I just have this sick feeling in my stomach about all of this. I'm absolutely terrified of my RE appt on Tuesday. I'm afraid they are going to say my cysts are still there and havent went down or worse that they have gotten bigger. I'm on CD11 and have been spotting dark brown since CD6. I know it could be from the BCP & cysts but I'm kinda freaking out here. I feel like I'm starting at square 1 again. I havent spotted like this for quite a while. This just really fucking sucks. Just thinking about babies makes me sad. Pregnant people make me sad. I have 3 cousins that are pregnant right now & I'm so damn jealous of them. I just want a baby so bad & the longer this is going on the more I want it yet I know there is a chance it may never be. I'm just a bit depressed right now guys. Sorry for the pitty poor me party...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I need something to do.

What's the age difference between you and the last person you kissed? 2 years and 4 days.

Do you believe that there's always room in your heart for your first true love? Yes. They can still hold a place in your heart but thats it.

What did you do yesterday? Cleaned house, took a nap then went out w/some people from work.

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love him!

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's underwear? boxers yes

Do you have trust issues? Not really. If anything I trust to easily

Have you ever been out side completely naked? Yeah, skinny dipping & going parking back in the day! haha... oh the memories.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do. We just may not know the reason yet.

What do you think about Wal-Mart? I hate it but sometimes you have no choice but to go there.

Are you mean? If you piss me off yes.

Can you keep white sneakers clean? I try to.

Do you have a bank account? Yes. Too many.

Would you change your name? Already did after I got married.

What is your zodiac sign? Aries

Do you like Subway? Its my favorite! I bet I eat there at lease 2 times a week.

Last time you had a nice bubble bath? A month ago maybe.

How long have you and your bf/ gf been dating? Dated on and off for about 7 years and have now been married for 3. So... 10 years total.

Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Depends. Sometimes I want to grow my hair out and then I decide to cut if off.

What about on the opposite sex? Short.

Do you like ice cream? Love it!

When is the next time you're going away? Nov to Minnessota hopefully. It will depend on if we are doing IVF at that time.

When's your birthday? April 10, 1984

Do you like to work with little kids? Yep.

Where are your mom and dad? My mom is at home I think & my dad is in heaven.

Where's your boyfriend/girlfriend at? Hes sitting on the couch watching TV.

What do you miss most about your past?~> I don't really know.

Do you like to eat ice? Yep as long as its crushed.

Last text says.. "I'm on my way"

When do you go to sleep? During the week about 10. Weekends whenever I'm tired.

What are you doing? This. I'm bored!!

Would you ever consider moving to another state to be with the one you love? Oh yeah.

Do you talk to your parents? Yeah

Do you lie to them? If I have good reason to.

Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere? No. I think I'm old enough to drink if I want to.

Do you have any community service hours? No

Ever kissed somebody that names starts with H? Not that I recall.

Own rainbow underwear? No

Ever kissed somebody that name starts with a C? Yes

Are you going to have a good night? I hope so.

Do you want to see someone right now? Always.

What are you listening to? TV in the other room.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Who hasn't

Did you do anything mean to someone today? No

Are you happy? Sometimes. Not so much these days though.

What did you do today? Went to Walmart... ugh.

Do you miss anyone? My dad.

Who was the last person you held hands with? My hubbie

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Follistim

has arrived. I never thought I'd want to jab a needle in my gut so bad. Instead I get to pop BCP pills. Ugh. How depressing.

Starting BCP tonight.

Well I had my CD3 u/s this morning & it turns out that I have a cyst on both ovaries. I will be on BCP for about 2 weeks than we will do another u/s & hope that they are gone so I can start follistim. I'm a bit bummed about this but at least I'm not out a whole month. BCP.... I hated them when I had to take them before. Had nothing but problems. I spotted the whole time which is actually why I went off of them in the first place. Grrrr.

Monday, August 18, 2008

C13 CD1

AF has found me. 2 days early no less. I have my CD 3 U/S scheduled for Monday so I figure I will be taking follistim injects by the end of the week. This is my "hail Mary" cycle as Nancy calls it. At least I think that's where I read it. If this doesn't work we will begin IVF. Which I'm pretty excited about. A part of me wants to just say screw this IUI w/injects and lets get on w/it. Please pray for me girls that this works or if not this C but my IVF cycle. I don't know what I'll do if I have a failed IVF cycle. Not to mention that my deductible will start all over in Jan. I'm hoping to get 2 IVF cycles in before the end of the year if need be which I know is pushing it. Hopefully I wont need either! I just wish I could save all my money for when the baby gets here. I have almost $600 saved up just for baby stuff. Furniture, rocker, that kind of thing. Our baby has its own savings account already! How sad is that.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Its a....

BFN. Ha fooled ya huh? I knew it would be so I'm actually not too down about it. I have an U/S scheduled for Wednesday to determine when I will be starting follistim. Not really looking forward to that! This next cycle we are doing follistim w/IUI. Basically we agreed on this just to see how I do w/follistim and to make sure my dosage is just right for the following cycle when we will be doing IVF. We will be doing IVF where they actually inject the sperm into the egg. I know there is a name for it... something like ICSI hell I donno. Jake is taking a multivitamin now plus 500mg of vit C. I'm hoping that improves his count so we at least have a chance at the next IUI. We shall see!

Oh yeah totally off topic but my mom called me Friday night wanting to know if I wanted to go out to lunch w/her Saturday! WTF? I thought oh shit she found my blog! It was actually pretty fun.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My "friends".

I told you I would do a separate post about my so called "friends" so here goes nothin`. I do believe I have some of the most inconsiderate, insensitive friends ever. Some of them are great. Some suck major monkey balls. One in particular. This "friend" of mine just had a baby 2 months ago. She got pregnant on her first try. Lucky her. Well she seems to be rubbing it in my face about how fertile she is. Bitch. Seriously who does that? She has actually said "oh I'm so fertile" when I have been talking to her about my treatments and so forth. We were at a wedding on Saturday and she actually said that if her & my husband danced that maybe her fertility would rub off onto him. I thought Jake was going to blow a gasket. I was glad she actually said something like that to him because he never hears the shit she says to me. See her husband and mine are best friends. Her husband is currently deployed in Afghanistan. Apparently she goes out all weekend & during the week (she doesn't work) and leaves the poor baby w/her parents all night then doesn't pick her up until late morning so she can sleep off her hangover. This baby is only TWO months old!!! She has colic and my friend actually said to me that some days she just wants to send her back. It makes me sick just typing all of this. She has actually text me in the same sentence and said "so did you get any of your test results back yet? OMG my baby just smiled at me for the first time today!" UGHHHH. Some people just plain suck. Another friend of mine who has been my friend since the 2nd grade has said to me that she doesnt think I need to go through all of these treatments to get pregnant. I just need to see a chiropractor. For real? I've been trying for over a year & have had 3 failed IUI's. I think its going to take more than a few pokes in my back to get me pregnant. Some people just need to get a friggin clue.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

*Sigh*

Well... I don't know where to being about this post. This is about something I never really talked about on here but I'm feeling the need to vent about my situation. I'll start from the beginning...

My family is utterly screwed up. All of them. In some way shape or form our family is nuts. My grandpa is the biggest ass hole you would ever meet. He seems nice to everyone else but treats his family like crap. Treated my dad like crap. Out of the 6 children he had 3 are dead (all boys). Including my father. My dad passed away Aug 29, 2006 at age 50 from a massive heart attack. Nearly 2 years ago. I'm convinced its mostly my grandpas fault from all the stress he put on my dad & for the horrible way's he treated him. See my family owned a pet store. We sold pet food, pet supplies, put up fences, janitorial supplies. Really just a hodge podge of different things. The business used to do very well but my dick of a grandfather wouldn't change anything. To compete w/walmart & petsmart you have to make changes. You have to have reason for customers to want to go there. My dad wanted to make those changes, Grandpa didn't. After my dad died we closed the store nearly 1 yr later. My dad owned 1/2 of the business. Ended up being a big battle w/my dads estate as my grandpa thought my mom, brother & I shouldn't get squat. This fight took almost a year to complete. Grandpa spent most of the businesses money on stupid stuff just so we couldn't have any. My mom, brother & I ended up splitting $30,000 and that was that. $10,000 for losing my dad 1/2 of which is gone due to IF treatments. I don't know how much my grandpa came out w/but I'm assuming an ass load. I'm sure he has thousands & thousands. This fight basically broke up the entire family. We barely talk to any of my relatives on that side of the family. Mostly because of my mom. She talks shit about my aunts all the time. I hate it. I miss my family & would love nothing more than for things to go back to normal. They never will. No more Christmas & Thanksgiving w/them. As for my mom... which is actually the reason I started writing all of this to begin with, she has turned out to not be a mother but more of a bad friend. See.. a year ago (1yr after my dad died) she met this douche bag who is 20 years younger than her. Yep that's right 20 years. He went to school w/my brother. Actually they used to hang out together some but my brother always thought he was a munson. So this second brother I have inherited moved into my parents house. The very house that my dad died in and is sleeping in the very bed my dad died in. Royally fucked up. My mom thinks shes back in high school again. Acts like shes 16. After my dad died I did EVERYTHING w/her. Keeping her busy. Having her over for dinner, going shopping, anything. We were like best buds. Than she meets DB (short for douche bag, that's what I call him) and has no time for me, by bro or my bro's kids. We barely even talk. Friday was her birthday. I had to work plus my aunt had a heart attack (shes okay) so I knew we couldn't get together that night. I asked her if she would go out for lunch w/me today so I could give her her gift and stuff. Shes too busy w/DB. They have to go grocery shopping or some shit so she cant have lunch w/me. We haven't went out to lunch since March I think. Actually that would be the last time we did anything together other than going shopping out of town about a month ago because DB had to work & she had no one else to do anything w/. What she doesn't understand is that I need her. I need a mother right now. I've always been very independent but I need a parent in my life right now to help me get through this shit we call infertility. I was there for for her when she needed me. Why isn't she here for me? When my dad died I laid all my emotions aside so I could help her cope. Which only made things worse for me in the long run. I'm still trying to cope w/him being gone. I still feel like it just happend. The best way to explain how I'm feeling is that I feel like an orphan. I feel like DH is the only one I can talk to. My friends suck too. I'll save that for a later post. I just want support & a mom. I don't think that's much to ask for, do you?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

5th IUI & next step

Well I had my 5th IUI today. Kinda hurt a bit. Not sure why. We had our consultation we RE and decided that we will try a C of injectable's (follistim) and do another IUI. If that C doesnt work we will begin the IVF process. He gave us a 30% chance of working. I think that is really low everything I've read says like 60%. I was anxious to do IVF because I thought it would work but now.... I'm just thinking I have a 30% of having a child of my own. I mean... we have a 30% chance of this IUI working & the next one w/injectables too. I just dont get it. I am so friggin sad right now. Jakes count dropped to 12mil today. Motility was good though. Post wash it was somewhere like 2.5 mil. Like this will ever work. I'm sorry but I cant have hope about this C at all. I know its not going to work and I'm sure the next wont either. I honestly dont think I will ever be KU. I just feel it. Mothers intuition maybe. I just dont understand. I was having ovulation problems. Thats fixed now w/meds. Jake has a low count WHY wouldnt IVF work?? I just want to fall asleep tonight & not wake up.

Monday, August 4, 2008

IUI #4 complete

Well I just got home from my IUI and things went pretty crapily (is that a word?) The IUI itself went fine, no cramping or anything but DH's count was 14mil (normally its 20-30) motility was 52% which was good & normal for him. I just don't understand why his count is going down so much. We haven't FD in over a week trying to get his count up. There is nothing that we can think of that could be making it go down. We have a consultation w/my RE tomorrow after our IUI. He asked if my ins. covered IVF. It does thank god. I'm assuming that is the route he's thinking of taking. Dh is all about it. He says IVF is almost a guarantee. I hate to tell him that its not. There are lots of girls on here that it didn't work for. Why would I be any different? I'm thinking of TAB for a cycle just to get my body off meds and then go for it. I will update tomorrow evening when I know for sure what we are doing next. I am so emotionally drained right now. I just cant believe this is happening. I just hope & pray that these IUI's worked. Oh yeah and I showed my RE my chart and told him I was afraid I O'd on Sunday and he didn't seem too concerned. He said that would be pretty rare since the eggs we still in tact on Saturday. I didn't really get that but I'm gonna go w/it. He said that he thinks we are going to have perfect timing. I hope hes right. Well I have the rest of the afternoon off work so I'm going to curl up on the couch w/my poochies and watch some Lifetime.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Randomness

First of all I will start w/my little update. I had an RE appt yesterday for my U/S. Had 3 big follies & triggered this morning. I couldn't give the shot to myself so Jake did it. He did a pretty good job. I think he was nervous though! My IUI's are scheduled for Monday & Tuesday morning. We are having 2 IUI's again because its been found that DH's motility goes down significantly after about 7 hours. That explains a lot! Hopefully I will get to talk to my RE about what we will do if this doesn't work. We were going to be doing injectables w/IUI but I'm wondering if we need something else. Obviously I'm not the only one w/a problem here. I'm about to say IVF and get it over with. I just have this feeling that we will be going that route anyway so why waste so much time. Lets just "get er done" already. To top that off my temp went way up this morning. I'm hoping/praying that I didn't ovulate already. It would be odd if I did since I'm only on CD16 which is way early for me and there was 3 follies yesterday and the RE didn't say anything about me ovulating sooner. I swear if this is a bust because of bad timing I will be pissed.

Secondly I want to vent a bit about work. I've been working for this bank for over 6 months now. We just opened our new branch in May & need more help like you wouldn't believe. I'm running my ass off waiting on customers when I have my own stuff to get done. I'm the head teller so I have the vault,2 ATM's, money recyclers & dispenser, schedule.... the list goes on. I've talked to my boss numerous times about all of this and he just doesn't take me seriously. I'm seriously thinking about finding a new job & getting out of banking all together. They are all the same. I left my last bank because I was tired of having to do multiple jobs and being stressed out just to come here and have the same shit thrown at me. For some sick reason I constantly think about work too. When I do have a day off I'm 24/7 thinking about work and worrying that something is going to break or something and they wont know how to fix it then I will be in trouble for not being there when I'm already getting 40+ hours and being harped at about having over time. What the hell do they think I'm going to do? When I only have 3 full time tellers (myself included) to deal w/and 2 part time what do they expect? Ugh I could go on but I will stop there. Just pisses me off.

I guess that's it. I'm just really in a pissy mood today & I have a headache and feel like crap. Vent over.