First off I want to say a huge thank you to all of you wonderful ladies! You have no idea how much your kind words have made the last few days somewhat bearable for me. It amazes me everyday how much someone I've never even "met" could become some of the greatest friends I've ever had. The people that I've come to know on this long shitty journey will forever be in my mind & heart. This experience is one that I will never forget no matter what path I decide to take in the future. My mind has been such a cluster of different thoughts & emotions that I really don't know where to begin telling you my feelings right now. There is a part of me that wants to say okay we still have 4 embryo's lets do one last FET and be done with it. Move on, adopt. Then there is another part of me that refuses to accept that I will never become pregnant and have a biological child of my own so I must continue w/all the IVF's & FET that I possibly can. I just don't know what to do. Do I switch RE's?? This is a question that I've been asking myself for a while now. Would it even make a difference? I love my RE & the nurses but I want a baby and that's what matters. Considering where I live I don't have many options for RE's unless I want to drive another 2 hours on top of the 2 I'm already driving ONE WAY to see the RE. I'm not going to sit here and say "oh poor me, this is so unfair, why me? WHY any of us? I just sit and think about all of you out there going through the same thing as me and it pisses me the fuck off. Why did we get dealt this shit card? Will it ever end? As I was laying in bed crying the other night it hit me... I'm never going to be a grandma. For some reason that has just thrown me through a loop. A grandma... of all things. Grandma's are awesome... I've always thought I'd be a cool granny. That's what sucks the most about IF, it affects everything in your life for the rest of your life. I just don't know how you get past it and live you're life... a life you don't want to have. This just sucks... just sitting here thinking about it makes me physically ill.
~On another note.. I've been trying to keep to myself and haven't really been on the boards. Forgive me for not being supportive right now. I hope to be back soon. Thanks again for everything.
~And the hits just keep fucking coming! Apparently my mother has gone behind my back (& my brothers) and officially put the house up for sale (my MIL just called and told me that they saw they sign). Yes the very house I was hoping to buy from her. I guess her money hungry fucking ass didn't like my offer. What a fucking bitch. I'm so done w/her.
~Went and ran a few arrands today.. came back and got the mail. Well all be fucking damned if there isn't a sample from HUGGIES w/the title of the package being "Pregnant! Almost there!." The sample was a new born diaper addressed to my address w/someone else's name. Why the hell does this shit keep happening. I'm fighting to keep it together right now.