Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I dont really have a title...- updated

First off I want to say a huge thank you to all of you wonderful ladies! You have no idea how much your kind words have made the last few days somewhat bearable for me. It amazes me everyday how much someone I've never even "met" could become some of the greatest friends I've ever had. The people that I've come to know on this long shitty journey will forever be in my mind & heart. This experience is one that I will never forget no matter what path I decide to take in the future. My mind has been such a cluster of different thoughts & emotions that I really don't know where to begin telling you my feelings right now. There is a part of me that wants to say okay we still have 4 embryo's lets do one last FET and be done with it. Move on, adopt. Then there is another part of me that refuses to accept that I will never become pregnant and have a biological child of my own so I must continue w/all the IVF's & FET that I possibly can. I just don't know what to do. Do I switch RE's?? This is a question that I've been asking myself for a while now. Would it even make a difference? I love my RE & the nurses but I want a baby and that's what matters. Considering where I live I don't have many options for RE's unless I want to drive another 2 hours on top of the 2 I'm already driving ONE WAY to see the RE. I'm not going to sit here and say "oh poor me, this is so unfair, why me? WHY any of us? I just sit and think about all of you out there going through the same thing as me and it pisses me the fuck off. Why did we get dealt this shit card? Will it ever end? As I was laying in bed crying the other night it hit me... I'm never going to be a grandma. For some reason that has just thrown me through a loop. A grandma... of all things. Grandma's are awesome... I've always thought I'd be a cool granny. That's what sucks the most about IF, it affects everything in your life for the rest of your life. I just don't know how you get past it and live you're life... a life you don't want to have. This just sucks... just sitting here thinking about it makes me physically ill.

~On another note.. I've been trying to keep to myself and haven't really been on the boards. Forgive me for not being supportive right now. I hope to be back soon. Thanks again for everything.

~And the hits just keep fucking coming! Apparently my mother has gone behind my back (& my brothers) and officially put the house up for sale (my MIL just called and told me that they saw they sign). Yes the very house I was hoping to buy from her. I guess her money hungry fucking ass didn't like my offer. What a fucking bitch. I'm so done w/her.
~Went and ran a few arrands today.. came back and got the mail. Well all be fucking damned if there isn't a sample from HUGGIES w/the title of the package being "Pregnant! Almost there!." The sample was a new born diaper addressed to my address w/someone else's name. Why the hell does this shit keep happening. I'm fighting to keep it together right now.

18 comments:

elephantscanremember said...

Jayme, we are here ANYTIME you need us. Do not feel you aren't there for us. You are going through a rough time and deserve much better than that. (Hugs)

Sarah said...

{Hugs} Hang in there.

I have not been around much either. Lots on my mind and not much to say.

Dot said...

I know what you mean about "friends" who I have never physically met. We all give each other strength & courage to go on when no one really understands. We are with you ( in spirit ) when you go in for any IF treatment, we are each others rocks ! Alot of us don't post as much , do by all means don't even worry about that...take care of you !
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Steph O. said...

Don't worry about not posting! We understand.

I agree that it's amazing what a big part of my life you ladies have all become. We've never even met, yet a lot of times I feel like I've known y'all forever.

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))

margelina said...

Hey darling,
I hope you are able to come to a decision that helps your heart. I hate that you are going through this and feeling all of this pain, and I wish I could make it better for you. But I'm here, always. Big huge (((hugs)))

Caitlin said...

No worries about the board...we all understand and we'd rather be YOUR support right now. Just follow your heart when it comes to making that hard decision - and remember all of us girls you've never "met" support you 100%.

Chin up, honey. ((((HUGS))))

-my husband grows cotton- said...

(((HUGS))) You have been on our board supportive of other ladies and now it is our turn to lend our shoulders to lean on.

I know nothing about IVF or FET's, but I know that decision to go to another RE weighs on your mind. I will be praying for you as you DESERVE this!

AJ48 said...

Wow. I totally started to cry reading your post. I know how you feel (sort of) and I totally think about not becoming a grandma too. It does suck that this is something that consumes our life and could continue to consume it for the rest of our lives!

I have been thinking about you a lot lately Jayme, and it is funny because we never met - but I am so thankful for you and all the other girls! We do have each other.

Hang in there. I am praying for you. I know your not sure what to do yet, but maybe tring another IVF would work. I have heard of many women having it happen on try 3 or 4. Dont give up just yet!

littlesteps said...

I'm so sorry Jayme. The diapers in the mail just seems cruel on top of everything else. I'm thinking about you and hope you figure out what you want to do next. But I'd say keep going. Only you can know how much heartache you can take, though.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. It seems like everytime I get a BFN that someone I know announces she is pregnant. It doesn't get easier. And on top of getting a BFN this weekend also (after my fourth IUI) I am getting laid off tomorrow. *ucking Sucks! Just take this time and focus on you and your husband. Screw everyone else who is making you upset.

Jenn
Ohio

nancy said...

My heart just aches for you. Why it didn't work is just beyond me. I looked to try to find the answer to this, but couldn't ... What was your lining at? Did they see the triple thing?

As for the ~why~, I just never understand why the IVF/FETs don't work. But what I try to keep in mind is that the IVF/FETs just give you the same amount of chance as a "natural" pregnancy in regards to implantation. You have no better chance at pregnancy than someone who got their egg/sperm to meet up naturally.

Implantation is still all up to you. Which means you need to be looking at your lining and uterus. Have you done a HSS? This is where they fill your uterus with saline and watch it expand under u/s. See, with my HSG, it showed a "perfect" shaped uterus and open tubes. But the HSS is what showed my problem, that my uterus didn't expand correctly and I was filled with scar tissue. Since your uterus is always collapsed, things can look fine and dandy under a bajillion u/s, dildocams and HSGs. But watching it expand shows a whole new level of looking at it. I would ~definitely~ inquire about that one. Maybe there is something your doc is missing. I assume there isn't though and it's just a plain timing issue. It just wasn't your lucky cycle. It sucks, yes.

As for the embryos themselves .. they were stage 2? What is the best stage? Does stage 2 mean there was fragmentation? Have you had any better staged embryos? Also, my RE says he doesn't like embryos larger than 8 celled because there is something about more celled being "too advanced".

Just trying to brainstorm. Do you have a post-cycle appointment with your RE?

Jayme, I'm just so sorry. ~hugs~

Jen said...

I'm so sorry Jayme. I wish that there was something I could do to take this away for you and make it better. You are right sometimes life is unfair and it SUCKS!!

You are right about one thing...the support from blogging friends...people we have never met has been amazing. The love and support from not only my IRL friends but from all of my blogging friends has helped get me through the losing Shawn and the baby. We are all always here for each other.

Please if you ever want to email me do so. I'm here for you if you need anything...anything at all.

(((((HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS)))))

Jen said...

Oh...I forgot to tell you. I too got a sample of diapers and coupons in the mail the other day. The card read..."As your due date nears you will need these" then they ever so nicely put 3 perfectly cute newborn diapers in a little bag for me.

My due date would have been April 18th. Guess the Pampers people didn't hear the news...ASSHOLES!!

M said...

oh Jayme, my heart hurts for you.

I completely understand the wanting to stick to yourself for a little while. Sometimes we just have to focus on taking care of ourselves.

You are right, it isn't fair that we've all been dealt this shitty card. I'm so used to dealing with IF now that it floors me that some people actually get "free babies". What a concept.

We are all here for you. Take as much time for yourself as you want. Huge (((HUGS)))

^J^ said...

Jayme, my heart goes out to you. You brought tears to my eyes when
I read what you said about what if
"I'm never going to be a grandma". I've thought about that several times and it makes me sick too.

I am truly sorry you have to go through all of this. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. We are all here for you. (((HUGE HUGS))) Love ya!

Kelly said...

Miracles can and do happen. I am proof w/my two girls I was told I'd never be able to have.

Morgan said...

Sometimes it is really hard for me to find the right words to help someone out and this is one of those times. I wish I knew what to say to magically make all of your worries disappear but life just isn't that simple. All I can say is that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Sorry your mom did that, that sucks.

To A T said...

First off more ((((HUGS)))) to you!! I wish I could just take all the hurt this journey has caused you away :(

Second, we are here for you anytime :) I think that's what I have come to love most about blogging and msg boards- no matter what- we are there for each other

Third, I can't believer your mom would be so underhanded! :( ((HUGS)) for that too!!
Hang in there sweetie!