Saturday, January 10, 2009
Emotions and Feelings
I'm starting to feel really alone & wanting to isolate myself from the world. Jake & I are starting to argue because all I do is cry and bitch about TTC and our failed IVF. I feel so hurt. So screwed. So left out. A friend of ours just came over today an announce that they are pregnant. I knew it was coming as they have been trying since May but alas it stung and as soon as he left I shut myself in my room so I could cry. I just don't understand why this happened to us. What did I do wrong? I told Jake that I was sorry that he was stuck w/me because I know if he was w/someone else he wouldn't be having these problems. He says its "our" problem but that is still how I feel. I feel like I'm letting him down & ruining his life along w/mine. I haven't been talking a whole lot to anyone since my BPT including my husband. I just want to be left alone. A part of me just wants to say enough is enough, I'm done. But I know I cant stop. I will never be happy until I have my baby. I feel like if I keep going and keep failing this hole in my heart will only get bigger and only ruin me more. I feel so torn. I know I will do the FET as I will not waste my embryo's but if that fails I'm afraid I will not be able to carry on. I will not have the ability emotionally. I'm torn between wanting to keep trying yet failing & being miserable or giving up and being miserable. Either way I'm screwed. The only thing that can make everything all better is a baby and I'm starting to feel the weighing in my heart that it really isn't going to happen no matter how hard I try or how much I want it.