Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Emotions and Feelings

I'm starting to feel really alone & wanting to isolate myself from the world. Jake & I are starting to argue because all I do is cry and bitch about TTC and our failed IVF. I feel so hurt. So screwed. So left out. A friend of ours just came over today an announce that they are pregnant. I knew it was coming as they have been trying since May but alas it stung and as soon as he left I shut myself in my room so I could cry. I just don't understand why this happened to us. What did I do wrong? I told Jake that I was sorry that he was stuck w/me because I know if he was w/someone else he wouldn't be having these problems. He says its "our" problem but that is still how I feel. I feel like I'm letting him down & ruining his life along w/mine. I haven't been talking a whole lot to anyone since my BPT including my husband. I just want to be left alone. A part of me just wants to say enough is enough, I'm done. But I know I cant stop. I will never be happy until I have my baby. I feel like if I keep going and keep failing this hole in my heart will only get bigger and only ruin me more. I feel so torn. I know I will do the FET as I will not waste my embryo's but if that fails I'm afraid I will not be able to carry on. I will not have the ability emotionally. I'm torn between wanting to keep trying yet failing & being miserable or giving up and being miserable. Either way I'm screwed. The only thing that can make everything all better is a baby and I'm starting to feel the weighing in my heart that it really isn't going to happen no matter how hard I try or how much I want it.

8 comments:

littlesteps said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone Jayme. I've had more than one time that I shut myself in my room after a pregnancy anouncement. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you

elephantscanremember said...

I am very sorry, Jayme. (Hugs)

higretchen said...

Jayme, I'm so sorry... You have been so encouraging to me and I know that must be difficult. I really hope you feel better soon...

Gretch

margelina said...

Hey Jayme,
Big Giant {{{HUGS}}}. I am so sorry you feel so alone and hurt and sad right now. I wish this didn't have to be so hard for you...I wish that I could change everything for you. I'm here for you, pulling for you, praying for you, and hoping for you even when you feel all hope is lost. Maybe taking this cycle before your FET to try and enjoy the time with Jake, and to do some fun, couple-y things together will help. Maybe things you two used to enjoy together before ttc took over. I know it's hard to feel like it's not all your fault...but Jake wouldn't want anyone else...you are amazing and he loves you despite all of this. I hope you feel better soon! {{{hugs}}}

Jen said...

Aww Jayme I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I'm sending you big huge (((((HUGS)))))

First let me just say...you didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault and it's not Jakes either. For some reason it is just the way the crazy messed up world works. Don't blame yourselves! It SUCKS I know.

I can't and won't tell you I know how you feel because I don't. I know what it feels like to TTC for 13 months get a BFP and then miscarry, but I don't know what it feels like to go through the hell you have gone through so far and still not have a baby. I'm so sorry for that, I really really am. I can't imagine.

I'm just going to ask you this. I don't mean anything 'bad' by this, but I wanted to tell you anyways and I hope you don't take it in the wrong way.

Jake loves you...he wants to be with you. This month since you have to take a break please take this time and 'reconnect' with Jake. Do something fun, spend time with each other, talk, hang out and spend this time loving each other. I'm going to guess that Jake will be there for you when no body else will. He loves you and you love him. Trust me I know you want a baby more than anything else in the whole world,but take care of you and Jake too.

Like I said I hope you don't get upset at me for saying that to you but I just wanted to make sure that both you and Jake and your "relationship" are in a good place.

Again I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. If you need anything at all please send me an email.

Lots and lots of HUGS coming your way!!

Coco said...

Just wanted to let you know that you are going to be an amazing mom someday.

Dot said...

Jayme, my heart broke when I read the feelings that you wrote. TTC is tough enough, factor in all the other crap that life throws at you and it makes it much worse. Please know that your prayers will be answered...
((((Hugs))))

To A T said...

Huge (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry you feel so alone!
I wish I could just take this big hurt from you :(

You're in my thoughts and prayers!