Monday, January 5, 2009
I was expecting it. I POAS this AM and it was negative so I knew my BPT would be too. I've cried my heart out enough over the last few days that I'm actually okay. I haven't cried at all today. Not even when I heard it was a definite no. I have to admit, it hurts. My heart actually hurts and my stomach feels like I've just been kicked and could vomit at any given moment. I feel like I've been screwed. Why did I have to be the 53% that doesn't get pregnant and not be one of the lucky 47% that did. I am lucky enough to have 8 frozen embryo's that are of very good quality so we still have at least 1 FET attempt left. The RE's office told me to stop taking all my meds & wait for my period and call them to set up a consult w/the RE. I'm not sure how long it will be before I can start my FET cycle. I'm wondering if I wont have to wait a month to let my ovaries get back to normal or if that even matters since they wont be stimulated? I haven't a clue what all goes into FET cycles. When we do have our consult I'm going to demand answers. I just don't understand. I feel like there has to be something that is being missed here. I want to know why. The embryos were perfect, my lining was perfect.. I did everything I was supposed to do. WHY didn't it take? I suppose I will never know and that's the worst part of all. I'm so scared of the FET cycle just for the fear of failing again. I remember how hopeful & excited I was when I first went on Provera to start AF... then onto Clomid. OMG I thought Clomid was the miracle drug and bam I'd be pregnant. After that failed numerous times and we started seeing the RE we started w/IUI's right away. Okay I thought IUI's that will get the sperm right where it needs to be, no problem this will work for sure. 4 Cycles (I think) of IUI's w/Clomid & HCG 1 w/inj & HCG all being BFN's I thought okay... enough is enough. I cant take it anymore. Thank god for IVF, I mean IVF always works right? WRONG! Now I'm thinking what comes after IVF? What can I pour my heart into next & just know it will work? Nothing. There is nothing after IVF.