Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

What a day

Bullets because I'm so random right now...
  • Jakes grandpa passed away this after noon. It's a sad day but I'm also thankful that he went fairly quickly and didn't suffer long. The doctors thought he had brain damage too so if he would have pulled through he would have been in the nursing home on a ventilator most likely which is not the life he would have wanted to live. He was very active, loved fishing and working around in the yard. I owe so much to him for all the work he did on our house. When we moved in every wall (I'm not exaggerating) was wall papered & he'd come over every day while we were working and strip wall paper and paint. We got the work one in 1/2 the time because of him. Jakes grandma was quite the talker and talked enough for the both of them so... grandpa was a pretty quite guy. Quite but always very nice. He will be missed. Christmas Eve he was so funny because we told the aunts & uncles that we were expecting and apparently Jake's mom had already told him. He was just like "yeah she told me I couldn't tell anyone!!" For some reason it just made me laugh. I'm glad he knew he was going to get another great grand baby soon but I'm sad that they will never meet.
  • I've been feeling like total crap lately. Not pregnancy wise but just cold/flu like symptoms. Sore throat, runny nose, aching bones. I've been fighting this cold for about 2 weeks. I'm assuming its just harder for me to fight this stuff right now because I am pregnant & because I refuse to take anything for it. Hot tea is my best friend tonight =)
  • Yes, I'm still being lazy and haven't uploaded my u/s pics. MAYBE tomorrow! I will get them up though. I need to take my 8 week belly pic for my book tonight but I don't think that's going to happen either.
  • Anyone doing anything fun for new years?? We were going to visit friends in Chicago but due to Jake's grandpa passing (Visitation is Friday) we decided we should just stay home. We are planning on going out to dinner and then to our neighbors parents. Apparently they are having a get together there so that should be fun.
  • I guess that's all I have for the night... thanks for all the prayers for Jake's grandpa. We really appreciated it.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

8 week u/s!

Okay so I'm not 8 weeks yet but pretty darn close. U/S went great! We could actually hear the heartbeat this time! The swoosh swoosh was like music to my ears =) The rate was 152bpm which I'm told means it is most likely a boy (I checked it out online and this wife's tale isn't true) which is probably right... there hasn't been a boy on Jake's side of the family in 5 generations! If we do end up having a girl she will be so spoiled rotten it won't even be funny! We could see the little arm & leg buds and a spine! So crazy to be able to see that stuff this early. I will scan the pics tomorrow maybe... my scanner is a pile and I don't feel like screwing w/it tonight.

On a not so good note... please say a prayer for Jake's grandpa... he's in the hospital and most likely won't make it though the night. We aren't really sure what happened... he's 83 and diabetic. He went into the hospital Saturday w/bronchitis which turned into pneumonia and his kidney's shutting down and the whole 9 yards. It happened so fast... he wasn't feeling well on Christmas but we didn't think much of it... he's very active and healthy for his age. So sad. He's such a nice man.

Also if you haven't already done so please go over to Misty's blog and send her some ((((HUGS))) she could really use them right now...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Spotting update

Hi girls! First I want to say that you so much for calming me down yesterday! I did go ahead and call the office and talked to the RE on call and she assured me that spotting was normal and what I was experiencing probably wasn't anything to worry about. The nurse also called this morning to check in w/me. I haven't really had any more spotting since yesterday around 3 so I think I'm going to be fine. The spotting I did have yesterday was more of a light brown discharge type stuff. I'm still freaked out about it and am taking it really easy. I have an u/s on Tuesday so I'm anxious for that to get here so I can be assured that my baby is doing just fine. Thanks so much girls & I hope you all had a nice Christmas!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009


So I starting spotting a bit today after waking up this a.m and (TMI) having a b.m. I'm totally freaking out. Its not much at all but after I wiped there was brown on the tp. I put on a pantie liner and have since had a little bit of brown on there and have only had a tad on the tp when I go to the bathroom now. Sometimes I wont have any at all. I know this is common in early pg but talk me down girls... I'm freaking out here. No cramps, no nothing. I figured it was just from the b.m. this morning but still... I'm nervous and so worried right now.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm going to chop my nose off!

Ugh... I have the worst cold ever! My nose is so plugged up yet running constantly! My nose is so raw from blowing it all the time. I have NO kleenex so I'm forced to use the all mighty TP. So not cool. Our kleenex at work are the cheapest crappiest kleenex ever and are worse then TP I think. Getting me some puff's plus tomorrow for sure! Nothing too exciting has been going on w/me... still feeling nauseated in the mornings and starting to get really bloated. I look about 10 weeks pregnant right now. Pants fit though so that's a plus! I can't believe I'll be 7 weeks tomorrow. Doesn't seem possible. I'm still in shock and still freaking out over every little thing. My u/s is next Tuesday and I'm nervous already. Just hope the baby's heart is still beating away! Well I think I'm going to go lay on the couch and watch some TV if I can get Jake away from the PS3. Anyone else's DH obsessed w/modern warfare 2?? So annoying!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

6 week ultrasound!

There you have it... there's our little one!! We got to see one good strong heartbeat today!! So relieved and so happy! Things are measuring right on and things are looking good! I go back on the 29th for another u/s. I haven't had any spotting but starting to be nauseous and still feel really dizzy at times. They told me to make sure I stay hydrated and make sure I eat snacks frequently. I've had a horrible sore throat the last 2 days but it starting to feel a bit better. Not to take a nap on the couch and relax!

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm obsessed

I'm obsessed w/POAS. Always have been and now that I'm actually pg I'm even worse. I had to go out after work and buy more! I peed on one (held it for MAYBE an 1 1/2) and of course it was blazing +. The darkest yet! I'm obsessed w/seeing a +. I guess it puts my mind at ease a bit that I'm still pg. I'm so anxious for Thursdays u/s to get here. I'm excited, nervous and down right scared! I just pray that everything is going well and the heart beat is beating away. My bbs are finally starting to get a bit sore and I have started peeing alot. I'm hungry all the time! Seems like I can't eat as much in one sitting but get hungrier faster. I guess these are all good signs that things are progressing as they should. I just wish I would start getting morning sickness. I'm sure I will eat my words on that but I'd feel better if I did. I know its early for that yet but come on.... can't a girl get a little barf action?? Anyway if I didn't know better I'd swear that I had some major PMS. I've been in a pissy ass mood all day. That is until I looked at MISTY's blog! OMG Congrats again girl! EEEKKK!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

So... I heard

That's pretty much ALL I've heard today... "So... I heard the good news." You tell one person something & the whole friggin world finds out! Everyone at work knows, which was inevitable as they knew I just did IVF, apparent my mom told my aunt which told her kids and now I'm sure the whole family knows. I really hope everything goes okay... I'm so scared. I took another digital last night partly for fun and partly because I just wanted to be sure. I do not have to do a repeat BETA. The RE said there was no need to. I kinda wish I did just to make sure the numbers were going up. I just hate sitting here for 2 weeks waiting and not really knowing how things are going.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Bullets & randoms

  • I think my dog Bree knows I'm pregnant every night for the past 4 or so she has gotten up in the middle of the night and stuck her nose in my face. She follows me everywhere and just looks up at me really weird. I think she is trying to protect me & the baby. She is going to be so awesome w/a baby. She is the sweetest dog. Ellie on the other hand, well she will be pissed that she isn't getting the attention. She is a total lap dog and gets ALL the attention around my house. This won't be good.
  • We told a few close friends our news yesterday & today because they were asking what we've found out. They were all super happy for us. One of the friends was the "fertile" one's hubbie. He was ecstatic. Super nice guy. He told his wife "fertile friend" and she called to congratulate me. She seems genuinely happy for us. I've decided to give her ONE last chance at staying friends. I just don't know how much of me being mad at her was due to me being overly sensitive or just down right jealousy. We'll see how it goes.
  • We got must of our Christmas shopping done yesterday! Yeah! What a relief! We also went to Bor.der.s books and got a book on pregnancy that helped me figure out what I need to be eating & what I shouldn't. I'm a really picky eater so we went to the grocery store today and bought lots of fruits & veggies that I will MAKE myself eat. No more fast food and potato chips for me! At least it will be kept at a minimum =) I also bought The Belly Book. I've had this book picked out ever since IVF #1. I saw it after an RE appt during that cycle and almost bought it then because I thought for sure I'd get pregnant. I talked myself out of it but couldn't resist getting it yesterday. It has a place for a belly pic each week and you write down your cravings, what you can't stand to eat, smell and that kind of thing. We're taking our first belly pic for the book tonight. Not like there's anything to see!
  • I'm going to think up some other things to blog about... I don't plan on blogging pregnancy non stop but for now its just something that I can't get off my mind. Thank you for continuing to read girls... I know how hard it is.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Telling the parents!

~Yes I know I'm crazy for putting up tickers already BUT I've been waiting to see that on my blog for so long that I just had to do it!

We paid each of our parents a surprise visit last night to tell them the news. My mom, DH's mom & dad all cried! I don't think I've ever seen them so happy! I just couldn't believe it. We told our brothers today and my brother almost started crying! Which is huge! I think I've only seen him cry once & that's when our dad died. He was so happy! Everyone knows that its super early so not to tell anyone yet but under the circumstances of IVF we had to tell them right away. They knew BETA was yesterday and both of our mom's were so upset all day because they didn't hear from us... they thought it was negative and we didn't call because we were so upset. What a great surprise for them! It was a wonderful night & I just pray that it keeps getting better!

The out pour of happiness from all of you amazes me. It truly makes me so happy to read your comments. It puts a huge smile on my face and makes me believe that everything will be fine & I should just enjoy this while I can! You are all so awesome & I'm so happy I've "met" you all! You are all in my thoughts & prayers as always and I want you all to know that I'm here for you & so hopeful for all of you!

Friday, December 4, 2009

BETA is in!!!

I'm on my lunch break so I have to make this quick but....

BETA was 328!!!!!!!! I am 100% pregnant!!!!

I have an u/s on Dec 17th so we should know how the little one(s) are doing! I'm so in shock. Seriously... I never thought it would happen to me. Ever.

~Some of you have asked if I've had any symtomes & really the only thing I can think of is that I've been really light headed and dizzy. This has been going on since ER thought so... it could be totally unrelated to being pregnant too.


This mornings 3am digital said......... PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beta around 7 this morning! I have to work until 6 so it may be later tonight before I'm able to update w/the numbers. Sorry to keep you all in suspense! After I get off work we plan to go to each of our parents house & tell them. I'd prefer to keep it a secret for a while yet but under the circumstances they've already been asking and know the BETA is today. If I don't say a word they will know anyway, and I'm a BAD liar! Thank you all so much for everything you've said to me in the last few days... and years for that matter! I'm no where close to being out of the woods but I do feel better this morning that it's still +. I just feel like it's going to disappear on me. Okay I've got to get in the shower! I'll update tonight!

~I took a picture but it's all blurry. I may upload it tonight anyway.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

HPT pictures

The top one is from last night.... bottom is from this morning!

I'm going to get some FRER today and take those tomorrow. Not a big fan of CBE seems like the lines fade really quickly but they were on sale!

Trigs 2

I POAS w/FMU at 4:30 am (hardly slept a wink) and got another blazing positive test!!!! Trigger was 12 days ago or 11dp... there is no way this is still trigger, not w/how dark the line is. Holy shit! I think I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~So this might not be true. I'm still not going to get too excited about it until I hear some numbers but... its kind of weird. I really hope I don't say the wrong thing and upset anyone. I've been there so many times & read so many pregnancy blogs almost in tears. I really don't want to be one of those people & please tell me if I upset anyone for any reason. I love you guys so much & I don't want to loose any of you as friends. You guys have helped me through some HORRIBLE days.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I never thought I'd actually type those words and think they'd mean something to me other than something sad. I just POAS at 14 dpo, 11dp 3DT and 10dp HCG and got a BFP & I only held my pee for 3 1/2 hours! Not a faint bfp that I would have expected to get if the trigger was still in my system but a blazing + darker than the control line. I'm going to POAS tomorrow and pray to god that the + is still there and not a figment of my imagination. I'm shaking as I type this and I'm not believing this at all. I won't believe it until BETA. OMG this could actually be it!

~I took a pic on my phone but it wont send for some reason. IF it's still + tomorrow I will try again.

I'm scared.

I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I'm scared. I've never been scared to POAS. I'm usually POAS like crazy. This time I don't wanna. I don't want to but I have to... I have to be prepared for my BETA Friday. I don't want to be sitting at work and get ~the call~. I'm hoping for some seriously awesome news but for now I'm nothing but scared and full of anxiety. I doubt I sleep tonight.

Monday, November 30, 2009


I had an RE appt today for b/w and u/s. I have no clue how my b/w was because I never got a call back on it but my u/s showed moderate hyperstimulation. Just like last time. No biggie... I feel no pain or anything so that's good. Lining looked great! I wish the nurse never even said this to me but... she said everything looked so good, my embyro's were awesome & she'd be really surprised if this didn't work. I'm trying to forget that she even said it but now my hopes are going back up. Now I just have to wait until beta Friday! Ugh!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

How am I feeling?

Some of you girls have been asking how I'm feeling... well I feel fine! I was feeling really good about it.. thinking it finally worked this time, then I wake up this morning and BAM I feel a huge sense of dread. I don't want Friday to get here w/my Beta. I'm scared. I just want this week to last forever so I can sit here and "pretend" that I'm pregnant. I even had a dream last night that my beta was positive but I'm so terrified now. I just know what the negatives have don't to me in the past... I'm just not ready for that again. Plus finding a new RE and basically starting all over. I NEED this to work. Not just want... I NEED it!

Saturday, November 28, 2009


Double Blessings Candles has some awesome sales on the website! Check em out at The wax dipped snowman shown here is super cute by the way! If you order something don't forget to put my name in the comment section so I get credit!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Show & Tell

I've never did the show & tell thing before but... I'm so damn proud of my embry's that I wanted to show them off! My pic is 2 post's down. Enjoy & I hope you love them as much as I do! Beta Dec 5th!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Funny convo w/the hubs

Before I get into the conversation w/the hubs I must say that I am 100% totally in love w/my embies! I look at the picture all the time =) I really, really, really, really hope this is it & I'm not setting myself up for disappointment, again. I go back to work tomorrow- boo. I've been extremely light headed and almost passed out several times in the last few days... I think its just because I've been laying around so much that when I do get up and move around it gets me all dizzy. BETA is Dec 4th if I haven't already told you that! Now for our convo at dinner tonight...

Me: Oh crap I left that candle in the freezer! Did you know that you can put a candle in the freezer for about an hour, turn it upside down and slap the bottom of the holder & it will just pop right out?
DH: Ugh, ya I'm the one that told you that.
Me: Seriously? How in the hell did you know that?
DH: I saw it on Martha Stewart.
Me: Why were you watching Martha Stewart?
DH: Oh, ugh well I saw some half naked chick on there while I was flipping through the channels looking for the muscle car show so I thought I'd just watch it.
Me: Laughing my ass off.

My husband is such a dork! I'm not surprised that he watched Martha, I just think it's hilarious. I love him =)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Meet my babies!

Not the best picture as this was taken on my cell but... here are my babies!! We had 1 10 cell grade 1 embie, 1 10 cell grade 2 embie, 1 8 cell grade 2 embie & 1 5 cell grade 2 embie! They seemed very please w/them and said "this is going to work!" I'm going to TRY and not get my hopes up but who am I kidding, they already are! Come on babies get snuggled in for 9 months!!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Go embies, Go embies!!

We still have our 4 musketeers going! We have 1 5cell, 2 4cell & 1 2cell. Looks like I'm going to be transferring all 4 tomorrow! The RE's office seems very pleased w/how they are looking and I am so relieved. Can't wait to meet them tomorrow =)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fert Report

Well out of 10 eggs retrieved 9 were mature. Out of those 9 only 4 fertilized. The 10th egg is now mature & they ICSI that one too so we could possibly have 5 fertilize. I'm really upset about this... I know it only takes 1 but I hate hearing that some didn't make it. I just hope the 4 that fertilized are of good quality and 1 sticks!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Today I am...#9 & ER!

Today I am thankful for... my hubbie! Yes, I'm choosing him again because he is seriously the best & its really hard to come up w/things I'm thankful for as I've already said the big ones! For real though... I have the best husband in the world. I love him!

~Some friends of ours are splitting up (the O so fertile one) and has been reported that she said she hasn't loved him in years and if she had gotten pregnant she would have had an abortion. ~They were trying a month ago and was complaining to me that she wasn't KU w/in 3 weeks! That bitch is never allowed in my house again... I will seriously kick her ass. I mean that. That is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard. She needs some serious help. Her soon to be ex just called my hubbie wanting to come over & talk. I feel so bad for him & his daughter. Unfortunately that poor child will get the short end on this. At least she is young (1 1/2) and probably wont remember it.

~IVF Update~
The moment you've all been waiting for.... ER went well. Much more painful than last time. I don't remember being awake as much and OMG does that needle her like a mother. They retrieved 10 eggs & 9 were mature. They ICSI all 9 so I get my fert report tomorrow. I'll update yall then!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Today I am...#8

Today I am thankful for my morels. I just got home from work and Jake was telling me that the people that live behind us now have 2 puppies that were left out in the rain today. Its 45 degrees and raining today. He put a note on their door telling them they need to have proper shelter for their dogs or find a new home of them. This is absolute bullshit and I don't see how anyone could do that do an animal. Freaking pisses me off!

~Insurance Update~
Called the company am waiting on a call back regarding the $200 bucks. I'm not freaking paying I tell you!!

~IVF Update~
ER tomorrow. Feel like I could barf. Getting really freaking nervous! AHHHHHHHH My ass hurts from the HCG last night too.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Today I am...#7

Today I am thankful for the ability to do IVF. I'm so lucky that I am able to do it. Even if it doesn't work, at least I'm able to try.

I'm extremily pissed off at my insurnace right now so I really don't have much else to say. They are now telling me I've only paid $1500 towards my deductable (not true I've paid $3000 which is the max out of pocket) and that I owe $200 for 8 freaking pills to help w/overstimulation. I'm so pissed right now I could spit nails. I've met my max out of pocket there is no way in hell I'm paying $200 for 8 damn pills!

~IVF Update~
I trigger tonight and ER is Wedneday ET on Saturday!! Woot! Lots of follies and they were nice big and juicy! =)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Today I am...#6

Today I am thankful for candles. Hehe yep Candles. I choose this because this is what is on my mind right now. I just got finished w/my Double Blessings Candles Christmas Open House and did almost $900.00 in candle sales! Woohoo! I could sure use that extra dough for Christmas. I had a really good turn out and I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I'm enjoying selling these candles especially since it helps couples w/IF treatments. So awesome, can't go wrong! I'm really tired and need to figure out what we are going to have for dinner so I think I'll just stop w/that.

~IVF Update~
Follie feelings are getting a bit more intense. I feel really bloated and have a lot of pressure on my left ovary. Have an RE appt tomorrow morning and am so excited for it!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Today I am...#5

Today I am thankful for friends. I can't say that I have a lot of "true" friends as I've figured out who are my true friends are and who isn't really quickly during this crap we call infertility. I have a few, a very small few like maybe 2 that I think really care about me and my feelings. Most of all I'm thankful for you girls. You have no idea how much I consider each and every one of you to be my "true" friend. You cheer me up when I'm down and actually care about my feelings and truly feel what I feel and that's something that most of my IRL friends can't do. We need friends so badly at this time in our lives and I think most of us don't have the friendships we so deserve & need. I'm thankful for you guys so very much!

~ IVF Update~
Had an RE appt today for a follie scan & b/w. Can I just say WOW! My follies have exploded! They are so much bigger and by George I can feel them suckers too! I keep my meds the same & go back Monday. My guess is ER will be Wednesday. EEKK!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Today I am...#4

Today I am thankful for my job. I may get pissed off alot and I may get bitched out by people for things that are out of my control, and I might not make as much as I THINK I should but at least I have a job. My bills get paid every month, I have a newer car, I have food to eat, I have cloths to wear and if I want something I usually get it. We are definitely at the lower part of the middle class but that's okay. Someday maybe I'll be rich ~wink~. So many people don't have jobs and can't get their bills paid... I see this everyday working at a bank and it makes be appreciate what I DO have. Now if I could just get prego I'd have everything I ever wanted =)

~IVF update~
Bloated, cranky and having painful follie feelings. Yep drugs are a`workin! Go back to the RE tomorrow so we'll see how things are going then.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Today I am...#3

Today I am thankful for my doggies! It was coming... you know it was =) Seriously though I freaking love my dogs! They really are a mans best friend. They are always there when I'm sad and I swear the understand me when I talk to them... they are like little furry people. I'm so glad I have them and I'm so thankful that Ellie is still alive and doing well. It amazes me everyday at how well she is doing and how good she adapts to her environment (she's blind & had a liver disease). She is the most loving dog and just wants to cuddle all the time. Which is fine by me because I love cuddling w/her. I'm so happy that we got Bree too.. she's such a loving dog. We are almost positive that she was abused and I just can't imagine how people can do that. She just looks up at you w/these sad eyes and just stares right into yours. Most dogs get intimidated when you look them strait in the eye but not her... she's beat you in a staring contest! Gotta love her! These dogs have seen my through some really crappy days and I really don't know how I could have gotten through w/out them.

~RE Update~
Had an u/s & b/w again today... follies are getting nice and plump. I counted about 10 of them. I'm only taking 1amp of menopur now and starting the ganarelix tonight as well. Follistim will stay the same at 75IU in the a.m. I go back Saturday so hopefully things will keep going well!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Today I am...#2

Today I am thankful for the rest of my family. Jake was yesterday~ hehe. I may bitch about my family but they really aren't so bad! At least I have a family that loves me. Today I went shopping w/my MIL and had a great time. She's so easy to talk to and we have so much in common. Its freaky really... we wear the same clothes half the time! I've been getting along better w/my mom. Its not so weird seeing her w/her much younger boyfriend. Or maybe I'm just used to him now. I need to spend more time w/my brother & his kids though. I don't see them often enough. He lives maybe 2 miles away from me and I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him besides passing each other in the car. I saw his kids on Halloween but not him. I'll see him on Thanksgiving for sure but... we really need to do stuff together. I still miss my dad like crazy and always will. I think about him so much, especially this time of year. Its getting easier to deal with though I guess. I can't believe that this is our 4th Christmas w/out him. Where does time go?

~On the IVF front... day 5 of stims went well... I'm starting to feel the little buggers! Keep growing my little follies! Lets hope for big #'s and size tomorrow!

~Also if you read my blog & do not see your blog listed on my blog list to the right please leave me a comment to let me know so I can add you! I want to read you too.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Today I am...

I read on facebook that people are putting "Today I am thankful for..." as their status and putting something they are thankful for everyday until Thanksgiving. I thought this was a good idea and something that would actually make me think of things to be thankful for instead of all the things to be pissed about! So...

Today I am thankful for...

My Hubbie- He really is an awesome husband. I don't tell him this enough and when I do he thinks I'm just trying to get something out of him. Like tonight for example.. he got off work at 6, ate grilled cheese sandwiches w/me, washed dishes, gave me my shot and then helped me shampoo carpets. He could just be one of those guys that ate their dinner and went strait to the tv (which he did play plenty of PS3 tonight) but he isn't... he really does help out around the house and I'm so glad I married him!

Appt Update

I had an RE appt today for b/w and u/s. Things are looking good so far. Lots of small follies... pretty much exactly the same as IVF #1 on stim day 4. I'm keeping the same dosage of follistim & menopur & go back Thursday. I will start the ganarelix (sp) most likely Thursday. I'll update when I know something!

Going shopping w/my MIL tomorrow! Should be a good time... hoping to find some good deals!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Day 2 of stims

Well I've already had some horrible hot flashes and have a pounding headache... this isn't a good sign.

~On the other hand AF is finally letting up and most of my Christmas decor is up =)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

There is a god!

Holy crap.... this roller coaster has got to let me off sometime soon! I have the greatest news ever! Apparently the person I talked to yesterday about my ins didn't know squat and there is a "Medical Transition of Care" that will take over for 90 days if my physician is not in the network. I've filled out all the paper work I needed so now I just have to pray this actually works out & is correct. I've been saved!

~Thank you all for the recent awards I've received. I haven't gotten a chance to do them yet but I will here in the next few days. Thanks again! I love you girls =)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I. Got. Fucked.

Once again if you don't like curse words don't read this.

That's right... I got fucked. Once again. Right in the ass. I am so freaking pissed, upset, depressed, confused and did I mention I'm pissed??? So ya about this new INS bull shit, well what a damn roller coaster this has become. Let me explain what has went down over the last week or so...
1. Insurance changes Nov 15Th, deductible will be starting over. I wasn't expecting this as every fucking insurance company in the world starts over Jan 1st!
2. New insurance makes an agreement to honor all deductibles paid thus far in 2009. This makes me very fucking happy as I wont have to pay anything for IVF#2 since I've met my max w/my current ins company.
3. I realize this is too good to be true... I will be getting fucked soon. Very soon.
4. Today we have our "new insurance meeting" things sound pretty good... max out of pocket goes down, IF is covered... sound pretty f`in awesome.
5. I get back to my desk and start looking up providers and BAM the ass fucking begins. My RE is NOT A PROVIDER! WTF!! My new INS will take over Nov 15th ,my ER will be around Nov 17-19. I'm missing this by 4 days. Max. I now have to come up w/$5000.00+ for this IVF cycle when I thought I was going to have to pay nothing & I will have to find a new RE.

We were planning on switching RE's if this cycle didn't work anyway but for the love of god... 4 freaking days and I would have been in the clear. 4 fucking day. We are going through w/the cycle... I'll get a loan if I have to. I'm not pushing this back any longer. Not to mention the wait I'm going to have seeing another RE. Looks like any frozen embies I may have will be getting shipped to another RE too. Fuck me this sucks.

~once again I know I'm lucky to have IF coverage at all. I'm so blessed that I do. I'm just so tired of getting screwed over. So fucking tired of it.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Quick Update

Hi ladies! Just a quick bullet update as I just got home (its almost 4) and I still have to clean house & get dinner ready tonight!!
  • Had my RE appt- no cysts! I take my last BCP tonight & start 75iu of follistim & 2amp of menopure Saturday. I go back Tuesday for more b/w & u/s. Thank god! IVF#2 is actually here!
  • I got the seasonal flu shot today. My arm hurts like hell but I'm glad I did it. Now I just hope it works!
  • Looked all over for an area rug today. Anyone know a good online store to find one??
  • My computer is ridiculously slow right now... hope to catch up to everyone later!

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Hi ladies! How was every one's Halloween? Do anything fun? Dress up? We just passed out candy, had our parents over & niece & nephews. It was a good time. I thought I was coming down w/the flu but I feel so much better today. Thank god. The last thing I need is to get sick right now. My RE's office wont let you come in if you're sick w/the flu... they will pretty much cancel your cycle because they don't want the other patients getting sick. Makes since. I'm going to get the flu shot Tuesday after my RE appt if my RE thinks I should get it. They wanted me to last year so I'm sure they will tell me to do it. Not sure how I feel about the H1N1 vaccine though... kind of scares me. I'll do whatever the RE tells me to though.

So ya... I have an RE appt Tuesday to check for cysts and what not before starting Stim's Saturday. That's right... this coming Saturday I will be starting stims!!! Ugh... I'm so anxious & excited yet trying to stay reserved. I went on The Stir Up Queens blog roll today just looking at IVF blogs trying to find someone that has had multiple IVF's fail and finally succeeded. I found nothing. No one in a similar situation as me. I know there are people out there like me but I'm so scared of this not working. This whole year has been nothing but one heartbreak after another & I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm praying for a miracle here. Please, please, please let this work!

I do plan on doing the vblog thing... I'm not sure how to do it so my DH is going to have to help me. I don't think our camera will take video for very long either... might have to borrow a video camera from my mom. Stay tuned... it may be a while before I can get it done though =)

Monday, October 26, 2009

Good day =)

Today was actually a pretty darn good day!! Everything at work ran smoothly (doesn't happen often) and I got some awesome news!! No not the news we all hope for but pretty damn good anyway! My new INS made a deal w/my work that they will honor all deductibles paid thus far in 2009, which means my deductible wont start over until Jan 1, 2010, which means I don't pay a dime for IVF #2! Let me tell you I wanted to jump up and down when I heard those words this morning. ~I hope no one thinks I'm rubbing this in or anything... I feel so bad for you girls that don't have IF coverage. Its just not fair & I know I'm extremely lucky to live in a IF mandated State. If it weren't for INS covering this we would never be able to afford it.~

AF officially showed up last night/today so I start BCP's tomorrow & have an u/s on Nov 3rd to make sure there are no cysts. If I'm cyst free I start stims Nov 7th! Lord let this be it!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hello AF... are you there?- updated

Why is it that when you need AF to come she doesn't and when you want her to stay away she shows up! I took my last provera pill a week ago and she still is no where in site. No cramps, no nothing. I start stims on the 7th so I will MAYBE have a week of BCP's. Not that I'm complaining as I hate BCP's but for crying out loud... why does everything have to be so damn difficult! If AF isn't here by Monday my RE wants me to take a BPT. Why bother? I had my progesterone drawn 2 weeks ago and it was like 2.7 or something so I didn't even O. I'm sure AF will show up right after I get the b/w done. That's just like her! =) ~~~~Update~~~~ Spot has arrived! Now I just have to hope the cramps aren't too bad =)

Now for an INS vent... I shouldn't even go here because I'm so so very luck that my INS covers IF but... my work has changed plans. Turns out it will be better in the long run. My max out of pocket for the year will be 2200.00! So awesome! The bad thing is that I thought my deductible started over in Jan... now it's Nov 15th!! The week of my IVF! I so wasn't prepared to have to pay $2200.00 until Jan... so now I have to come up w/that. I guess I'll just go pick it off the money tree outside! LOL. So not happy about this! What a perfect time of year for this too... no Christmas gifts from each other this year!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Candles, candles & more candles!!

If you didn't already know I'm a Independent Representative for Double Blessings Candles. I just started selling them in July and am having a lot of fun with it! Double Blessings Candles was started by a fellow IFer to help other IFer's in their dream of becoming parents. A portion of all candle sells goes to couples fighting infertility. When I first started selling the candles you were able to order online but not able to pick your rep... it's now available to pick your rep on the website and I will get credit for it. If you would like to order, see the products and read a little more about what Double Blessings is go to our website at There are lots of great scents & more to come! I can't wait for Christmas.. you guys will love the wax dipped Snowmen for the holidays!! Let me know if you have any questions or are looking for something specific that isn't on the website and I may be able to get it for you.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Bad yet good?

I had b/w taken today to see if I ovulated. I didn't of course. I now get to take those lovely devil pills (provera) again. I said last time that I wasn't taking them again... this IS the last time! See I'm going to get pregnant this time so I wont need them for years until I'm ready for baby #2. ~wink~ I can always dream right!? It IS going to work though. IVF #2 IS GOING TO WORK! I guess the only good thing that came of being annovulatory is that I will be starting AF next week and then BCP's for 2 weeks and then IVF #2 is here! It's moving along really fast! Yippy!

Well I better get going... gotta let the dogs out to potty before Criminal Minds is on! Ahhh I'm a TV junkie!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Recipe Week- Taco Pie

Taco Pie
1lb ground beef
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 sm. cnt. sour cream
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup crushed tortilla chips
1 tube crescent rolls
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prepare ground beef & taco seasoning as directed on package. Spray 9inch pie pan w/Pam & press uncooked crescent rolls in pan to form crust. Add beef to pie pan. Spread sour cream over the top of beef. Sprinkle cheddar cheese & then chips on top. Bake for approximately 20min, or until crescent roll crust is brown. Let set approximately 10min, or until set. Serve w/favorite taco topping (lettuce, taco sauce...). I usually add extra chips to mine after I've added the lettuce & sauce.
This is one of my favorites ladies! I hope you like it if you decide to make it. Don't you love my Dixie plate China??? LOL I hate doing the dishes... I use paper plates ALOT!

Monday, October 12, 2009

What a shitty night

I wasn't going to blog about this because I thought I would just get over it and move on just like I HAVE to do w/everything else but I can't get over this and I can't get it out of my head so I must type out my frustrations...

Saturday was supposed to be a really fun day. I had to work in the morning but that's okay I had a reception to go to that night and planned on having a great time. Well we ended up not really knowing anyone there and got bored so Jake & I left shortly after the dinner. Then a "friend" of ours called and wanted to meet up and have a few drinks. This is the same "friend" that I have talked about in the past that makes the "oh fertile me" comments and totally ripes me to pieces sometimes. I try to avoid this woman as much as possible but her hubbie & mine are best buds so its hard to sometimes. I had no choice... we had to meet them at a bar for a few drinks. That's okay I thought... I'll just get drunk & wont care what she says to me. WRONG! I didn't get drunk (not sure how because I was drinking & sure trying to) and I really cared about what she said to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say she went on & on for an hour saying that she stopped her pill 3 weeks ago and though she'd be pregnant w/#2 by now and how much it sucks to have to wait a WHOLE MONTH to try again, how she really wants to give her hubbie a boy this time & would feel bad if she didn't, talked about making her hubbie get snipped after this because she doesn't want anymore kids, talked about how her hubbie needs to basically do everything for her when shes prego because she is carrying his child.. yada yada I could go on but you get my point. Seriously why in gods name would you say all of this to me? Its obvious that everything she is bitching about is NOTHING compared to what I'm going through and I simply don't want/need to hear this shit. What kid of friend actually does this? I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop thinking about how she is going to be lapping me any day, another friend is going to get prego any day and I'm going to frigging loose it. I really think I'll go off the deep end. This is just so fucking unfair and I can't take it anymore. Its my turn damnit! Its my turn. After we went home Jake and I tried to have a serious conversation about TTC & adoption. I know I want to adopt but I'm just so afraid of actually starting it. What if I don't get approved? What if we don't make enough? What if they think we're unfit or something? What if they don't like my dogs? Then I have nothing... no chance of being a mommy. I'm just so depressed right now and so overwhelmed w/grief that I really don't even know what to do w/myself anymore. I just want to stay home & stay away from everyone because then I don't have to hear announcements or stupid comments from people that are supposed to care about me.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Update & Recipe Week!

Hi girls! I had my post op appt today and all went well. My incisions are looking good & should heal well w/little scarring. Thank god! My swimsuit model dreams can still come true! LOL! Just kidding! My RE said that he removed the endometrioma & didn't see any new endo growth. He did say I had some scar tissue from my lap last year but said it was minimal & wasn't anything to be concerned about. Seems like all is well in the "Uterus Department" and I am good to go for IVF #2 in November! I should start stems November 7Th- god willing there are no cysts again!

As for the "Recipe Week" I'm thinking next week would be good. You can post your recipe & picture any day next week. Just make sure you title it "Recipe Week" so we know that you did it! Hope you all have fun & find some great new yummy recipes!! You may want to explain what you're doing & why so any readers that you have & I don't will understand and maybe they will participate too!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hi ya'll!

How is everyone doing lately??? Once again I haven't been a very good blogger buddy. Not TTC is the pits... I feel like I have nothing to talk about! I do have an RE appt tomorrow for my LAP follow up so I'll update you tomorrow on how that went.

Not much has been going on w/us.... we had a great weekend though! My coworkers took a party bus (w/2 stripper poles!) on a bar hopping extravaganza Saturday night. It was a blast to go out w/everyone from work and just let loose. No stress! I will have you know its very hard to dance in a moving bus! We went to a bunch of different bars in the surrounding area... 1 bar even had two pet pigs! That was interesting! We closed our branch an our early, at 11 and didn't get back into town until 7 and then went out to a local bar after that! I tell you I CAN NOT drink from 11am to 9ishpm ever again! My body just isn't made for that =) Good time though! I'll have to post a pic of Jake & I w/the pet pigs. It's great! Maybe I'll get around to that tomorrow.

I thought of something the other day & let me know what you ladies think. I'm in dyer need of some new recipes... I thought it might be fun to have a "Recipe week" or something where everyone makes one of their favorite recipes and takes a pic & posts the recipe on their blog. That way we can all get some new recipes! Sound like fun?!?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Fill me in...

Why do some people put periods in between certain letters in words?? Such as "Wa.l.mar.t" I just dont get it... will someone please tell me why this is done?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Getting lapped

I have this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that someone, and I don't know who is going to make an "announcement." An announcement that I don't only not want to hear but an announcement that I seriously don't think I can emotionally take. Friends of mine that started trying when I did have babies & are now thinking of trying for #2, friends that started trying years after me are having their babies and here I am... just me. Still just me. No baby on my hip & no baby in my belly. The only baby I have is the baby that is held in my heart. The baby that I may never meet, the baby that may only exist in my brain & in my dreams. I've been carrying around this pain in my heart for so long... when will it go away? Never. I can't see that this could ever get any easier to deal with. Ever. I hate this, I hate it all. I hate that I have to wait 2 more months before I can TRY again. That's all it is... TRYING. I'm tired of trying damn it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I forgot...

to tell you all that AF showed her ugly face about 10 minutes before my LAP! TMI- when I woke up there was blood on my thighs! Talk about gross! Geez like she couldn't have showed up at a better freaking time. How embarrassing.

Pain has picked up a bit... just took some more Tylenol w/Codeine.. now time for bed!

I made it!

Hi girls! Well I made it through Lap #2! I think I maybe slept 2 hours last night because I was having major anxiety attacks over the whole thing. It went really well actually... my shoulders do hurt from the gas but so far it isn't too bad. Tomorrow will be shitty though I'm sure. My incisions are a little sore and I keep peeing every hour because of the damn cath they put in! My RE got the Endometrioma removed and said there was no Endo in there so I'm all clean =) He did an HSG afterwords and apparently had some troubles getting the dye through one of my tubes. This is the message I got from Jake anyway... I really don't know exactly what he said but apparently he didn't seem to concerned since obviously I will never get prego w/out IVF. The nurse at my RE's office will be calling me tomorrow so I hope to get a bit more info from her. I will try and update tomorrow but if you don't hear from me its just that I can't sit up long enough to post! Hope everyone is having a good week so far!! Thanks for being here for me girls. I love ya!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Crampy and oh so busy

Hi girls! I hope everyone had a great week! I've been so busy and haven't had much of a chance to check every one's blogs lately. I had to do training every night this week at work for our new teller program and had a customer appreciation picnic Thursday night so I literally was home about an hour every night this week before I went to bed! I've been so exhausted from that and the upset of my cancled cycle that I've just haven't been myself all week. Hopefully by this time next week I'll be back to normal and ready to go again! I'm hoping to borrow my FIL laptop this week so I can lay on the couch and keep up w/you all after my lap. I'm so not looking forward to the gas pains... ugh that's the worst. I'm actually really nervous about the surgery. I mean, I've had it before so I know what to expect but for some reason I'm really nervous about it. It just plain sucks ass. I've been having some really bad cramps today and some yesterday... I'm just thinking that this Endometrioma has burst or something... I feel like my abdomen is full of blood or something... I guess we'll see. Hopefully it all "comes out okay" Tuesday. I will update Tuesday night if I feel okay when I get home otherwise I will update Wednesday. I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Oh and I wanted to Congratulate RICHELLE & JENNIFER on their little ones! So stinkin cute! They are perfect! =)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My 25

First off I wanted to say thank you to all of you that sent me such nice comments... you are all so great. I'm still very pissed, hurt and disappointed over the whole ordeal but I guess I will just have to get over it. What else can I do?

1. Who was your first prom date? A "friend" of mine. We never really dated but I think we both wanted to at the time, just never worked out.
2. Do you still talk to your first love? Everyday! I married him =) We've broke up many times and dated other people but we still ended up together!
3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Jack Daniel's Downhome Punch... got really drunk at a party when I was a freshman or something like that. It sucked!
4. What was your first job? Tropical Sno (shaved ice hut type deal)
5. What was your first car? 1993 Chevy Beretta. Pile of shit.
6. Who was the first person to text you today? A friend from work I think.
7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Jake.. he woke me up and I wasn't ready to get up yet! I wanted to slap him.
8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs Keller. She was meaner than hell!
9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? Long Beach, CA to visit family.
10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? Rachael, and yes... she's still my best friend since 2nd grade!
11. Where was your first sleepover? Stacy's- my parents good friends daughter who is now engaged to my cousin!
12. Who was the first person you talked to today? Jake since he's the one to wake me up!
13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? Faith- friend from HS
14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Grunted and got in the shower
15. What was the first concert you went to? A Perfect Circle
16. First tattoo? None yet but will be a catfish in memory of my dad
17. First piercing? My ears. Now I have 5 in my ears & my belly button done. I never wear any of them though except 1 in each ear.
18. First foreign country you went to? Jamaica!
19. First movie you remember seeing? The Wizard of OZ. That was like my favorite movie growing up. I watched it every day, no lie.
20. What state did you first live in? Illinois, for ever. =(
21. Who was your first room mate? Jake
22. When was your first detention? HA, preschool? No probably not until 7th grade or something.
23. When was your first kiss? Some little boy kissed me in church when I was like 4!
24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? To dance, I love doing it but I suck!
25. Who will be the next person to post this? Meh, no one!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Quick shitty update

Okay so I have to leave the house in about 45min to do some training at work so I have to make this quick....

U/S today reveled my bitch ass cyst/endometrioma is still there and hasn't went down in size at all. Lap is scheduled for 7:15 AM next Tuesday.

IVF #2 will be sometime in November hopefully.

Shitty f*^&Cking day!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Just got off the phone w/my RE nurse and my blood work is back. My Estrogen is really low which makes them think the cyst is left over from a follie? Something like that anyway. I really dont get it. Anyway I continue the BCP and go back Monday for another U/S. Hopefully it will be gone & if so I will start shots next week. ~Fingers crossed~

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I'm just a mess right now.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

*If you don't like curse words do not read this post. There will most likely be alot of them.

Well IF you dirty bitch you've won again. I am so fucking pissed right now. I have a fucking cyst. How in the hell does that happen when you don't ovulate? Well I asked the same damn question... apparently I've either 1) Ovulated while on BCPs. Highly fucking unlikely considering I don't O on a normal cycle, or 2) I have ANOTHER endometroma which means I get to have another fucking Lap to remove it. Regardless of what the cyst is from IVF #2 is canceled... or pushed back a few weeks at best. They will call me tomorrow w/my blood work so I should know more then. I go back Monday for another U/S in hopes that the cyst has gone down... if not looks like Lap #2 will be taking the place of IVF #2 in a few weeks. Fuck, fuck fuck. I seriously can't even believe this. I am so upset right now... I just this. I just want to quit and say you win IF.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I've returned

Hi ladies! Hope everyone had a great week! I ~think~ I've got caught up on everyone. If I've missed anything please let me know. If not... no news is good news right? =)

The work trip was good. We ate way to much food! I went to Springfield MO to train on a new teller system we are getting at the end of the month. I am going to be extremely stressed out trying to teach everyone this new system & lucky me... we go live w/it the day I get back from my ET. Shit. I seriously just have to make myself not stress out. That's the last thing I need at this point.

I have an RE appt tomorrow afternoon. I'm getting my base U/S. Last BCP is tomorrow, stims Saturday! Yahoo! I feel like I haven't been to the RE in forever! Well it's been since May I believe. That is a really long time. I actually miss the coochie cam & needles in my veins. Ahh the things we do to get KU! I can't believe IVF #2 is actually here. I've been telling myself that this is it, this is going to work but... I still have that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that it wont. I'm thinking the odds are against me but I just have to hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I will update you all on my appt tomorrow. Hopefully all goes well w/no cysts or anything. I'm doubting there will be since I haven't O'd in like 6 months! These ovaries are ready for some stimulation! They've been dormant for too damn long!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'll be gone

Hi ladies! Not that I've been an avid poster lately but I wanted to let you know I will be gone next week until late Thursday night for work. Hopefully I will be able to check in if I have some down time but if not I will catch up w/you all Friday for sure. Nothing new going on here.. still on BCP for another 2 weeks. I did get my meds in the mail yesterday! WOOT! Moving right along. I hope everyone has a great week~ MWAH!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Did I miss anything?

Hi girls! Once again I have been neglecting my blog. I just don't have anything to write about... no updates & my life is kinda boring! I'm on 2nd week of BCP's and have been spotting the whole damn time! Ugh.. I hate BCP's. Only 2 more weeks of them though! Thank god. Nothing exciting has been going on w/me at all. Boring, boring, boring. I need a hobby.

We did go shopping yesterday... I bought the book "Inconceivable"... I've only read 1 chapter but its about a 42 yr old lady w/1 kid and couldn't get KU w/the 2nd due to her egg quality. Not the book I thought it was going to be. I doubt I keep reading it... I just want to find a book I can relate to! I guess there just isn't a lot of 25 yr olds out there w/these problems. Blah. I know there are, there are so many of you girls that are my age going through the same stuff. Its a bunch of BS if you ask me!

Okay I'm rambling because I really don't have anything to say... I'm not even sure why I'm going to go ahead and post this but I am.

I did want to give a shout out to MARGARIET!!! on her BFP yesterday! This is awesome news! It's been too long since we've had a BFP. Congrats M~

I will also leave w/a question...
~ If you could go back in time & change one thing what would it be? Would you do anything differently? Be honest... there has to be something you regret!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Getting closer...

AF has officially begun today. BCP's start tomorrow for about 4 weeks. Start stems Sept 12th, ER & ET the week of Sept 20th. EEEK!! Its finally starting. I'm really excited!

Oh & IF... I'm going to win this time. That's right I'm kicking your ass!! BIATCH!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Vent & Do's & Don't's

Okay so I took my LAST (yes last forever if I have any say in it!) Provera pill tonight. AF should be here any day. I'm so freaking ready! I'm ready to start BCP's and get this show on the road! This has been the longest damn Summer and I'm ready for IVF #2. I'm so damn READY! I'm tired of TAB. I hate not doing anything TTC related. It's starting to drive me crazy. I feel all out of sorts being out of the "game" I just don't like it =)

I've been really flipping pissy at work (probably because of Provera/Devil pills). I'm tired of customers and the stupid things they do. They drive me nuts. All of them. I should be working in a cubical, alone. I have no business working w/the public. Due to my annoyance w/people lately I have prepared a list of Do's & Don't at the bank... please follow accordingly to avoid having your head ripped off by an angry, hormonal teller. Please & thank you.

1. Fill out your damn deposit slips. I am not your slave. This is not my job. Your checkbook comes w/deposit slips for a reason. Use them. If you are out we've provided a coupon booth w/a variety of slips for your use.

2. If you have 5 different transactions, have none of your slips filled out and do not know any of your account numbers do NOT use the drive-up. Come inside and save the people in line behind you some time from waiting on your lazy ass.

3. No, I will not print out the last 6 months of statements for you through the drive up.

4. No, I will not open/close your account at the drive-up.

5. No, I am not stealing your money. That is your signature on the check that overdrew your account. Not mine.

6. No, I will not sign the back of that check for your daughter that is away at college. Yes a customer really did ask me to do this.

7. Why do you all have to wait in the first line at the drive-up? There are tubes there for a reason. Don't line up 10 deep for the 1st line when no one is at the other windows and get pissy w/me because you've been in line for 5 min.

8. Get off your cell phone! I shouldn't have to wait for you to finish your conversation to ask you your freaking name because you have no deposit slip and stick cash in the drawer expecting me to read your mind on what you want done w/it!

9. We do not take loose change through the drive-up. Period. You have to come inside for this service. And by God do NOT stick loose change in the tubes. This is just stupid.

10. Most importantly.... take a shower before you go to the bank or anywhere for that matter. I do not want to smell your B.O. It's gross and unnecessary. You can buy a bar of soap at the dollar store for $1.

To be continued...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Book exchange

Hi girls! I was wondering if anyone would be interested in an IF book exchange. The only one I have is "A Few Good Eggs." It was a pretty good book... 2 ladies wrote it about their IF journey. Lots of info in it. Let me know if anyone is interested! Once I'm done w/the Twilight Saga I'm going to need something else to read =)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm alive

Hi girls! Sorry I've been MIA. I've been lurking and commenting a bit but don't really have much to report on myself. I'm on provera and awaiting good ol` AF so I can start BCP's. Been busy w/my nose in those damn Twilight books so I haven't been on the Internet too much. I'm almost done w/the last one so I'll be back soon! =) Like I said... not much to report but just wanted to say hello to you all & let you know I'm still here!

Jake & I went to a wedding this weekend & they had a photo booth w/all kinds of crazy props. Its was really cool. With that being said, here is our photos for your enjoyment. =)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

You're all my sisters

Got this email from my favorite aunt... wanted to share w/you all. You may have already read it but... I know some of us are having a difficult time lately for a variety of different things... I just wanted to say I consider you all my sisters & my best friends. Love you all!

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter 'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.' 'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.' What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hello strangers!

Hi girls!! How's everyone doin`? Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really busy lately & preoccupied w/reading Twilight... ugh I never thought a vampire book could suck me in like this. I have one chapter left and just started it Wednesday night. It's such a good book. Really. Jake keeps making fun of me saying 12 year olds read those books but oh well.. I like it damnit!

I had my very first Double Blessings Candle party on Tuesday and it went very well. I did $600+ in sales in 2 hours! I hope it keeps coming! It's really making me happy, keeping me busy & keeping my mind occupied. I'm going to do a Fall special for you guys... I know its a pain to send me a check for your order so I've decided that if any of you want to order something this Fall I will personally pay to have the candle shipped to you. All you have to do is email me your order & mail me the check! I will explain more when the time comes but I'm hoping to be able to do something special like that for you girls because you of all people should have one of these candles in your home. They really do smell wonderful!

As I have said before my mom is selling her house. I had to go over there today and officially clean out my room. I went through everything... found lots of old memories. I don't know why but it really mad me sad looking at old pictures from high school & being little. Maybe its the innocents of those days that I miss more than anything. I threw most of my stuff away but did keep some old letters & pictures. I also brought home my old baby doll crib. I just hope to one day have a use for it. If not I guess I will have to give it away. Until then.. it will be in the shed collecting dust. Hopefully not for too terribly long! *wink*

I went to my friends baby shower yesterday. It wasn't so bad. It was a small shower so I guess that helped a little. As soon as she opening the presents I took off. I didn't want to spend any more time there than I had to. I actually won a game too! It's a game where they put a bunch of baby items in a pillow case & you have to guess what they are. HELLO I'm the only childless chick there & I win. Go figure. Ah well I won some Bath & Body Works body wash. Hehe. Love it.

As you all know AF made her appearance on my 4 year wedding anniversary. Bitch. Anywho I called the RE's office to let them know. I have to get b/w to check my progesterone in a few weeks. If no O I will start prover again. IVF #2 will begin around September 12th. ER & ET will be the week of Sept 20th. I had them push things back a few weeks due because a good friend of mine is getting Married Sept 12th. I didn't want to have to miss it because of my ER or ET. I will be on vacation the week of Sept 20th so things SHOULD work out wonderfully!

I'm a guest blogger on Jenny's blog tomorrow. Not sure exactly what I'm going to write about but... you'll have to check it out!

I think that's all I've got for tonight. Time to get back to my book!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

AF & Anniversarys

Well spot arrived today. I expect her to be here full force tomorrow. Just in time for DH & my 4 year anniversary! I told Jake he would just have to have an anniversary BJ instead! LOL!! We don't really have any big plans other than going to the movies. FINALLY! I've been wanting to the Hangover forever. I'm pretty excited about going. We never go to the movies. I'm craving come nachos and a cherry Pepsi =) Not only does AF arrived on my 4 year wedding anniversary but this also officially marks 2 years TTC. I will be on C24. Ack. I know that doesn't seem too horribly long and I know most of you have been at it way longer than me. I just don't know how you guys do it. Granted I've had like 5 failed IUI's, 1 failed IVF & 2 failed FET... but I can't imagine doing this too much longer.

I wanted to say I really appreciate your comments to my last post. I have been thinking about seeing a counselor if I don't start feeling better. Especially if IVF #2 fails. I'm about going to have to.

I hope everyone else is doing well. We are due for some happy faces and some good news! Wow... we are like wayyy over due for a BFP! Come on girls!! We can do it!

Monday, July 6, 2009

I'm tired.

I'm tired. Tired of work. Tired IF. Tired of life. I'm so tired of dealing w/all of these emotions. I'm tired of wondering what my life will end up like. I'm tired of taking meds. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry. I don't understand how I can feel so unappreciated yet feel so worthless at the same time. I feel like life can't get better. Is this as good as it gets for us? Are we doomed to feel this way forever? Will we ever truly be happy? I just feel so pissed and feel so helpless. I feel like I have no one to confine in. No one who gets me. No one who cares to get me. No one understands. No one. I miss my old life, the one where I was happy. The one before "life" got the best of me. Screw this life. I'm tired of it.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm here.

Its been over a week since I've posted! Sorry about that... I'm here just been busy lately. Plus I haven't had a whole lot to write about. Bullets its is =)
  • Started provera yesterday. Yes, yes... didn't ovulate again. Oh well like I would have actually gotten KU on a non medicated TAB cycle. HA. We will be doing the same thing next cycle and then start IVF #2 in the end of Aug beginning of Sept. Mixed feeling about this. I'm trying to be hopeful but as you all know, that can be very hard at times. I'm enjoying my TAB cycle and have been trying my best not to think about TTC. I haven't had any meltdowns in a while either. Hopefully this will last a while longer =)
  • I still haven't decided yet on my friends baby shower. I go from thinking I'll be fine one day and then thinking I will break down. I need to decide soon and RSVP.
  • I got my Double Blessings Candles starter kit so I am officially a Independent Rep! I'm having an open house party on the 14th at my house. You're all invited! Too bad you are all so far away. If any of you would like to order something you can order off the website Unfortunately I wont get credit for it but there is no easy way for me to do it and ship it to you, plus have you send me a check. I don't take debit cards, yet anyway. That gets expensive so I'll see how I do first. Eventually they will have the site set up so you can pick your rep (which would be ME!) but it's not ready yet. I'm so excited about my party & getting started. I just hope it's not a waste of time!
  • I have 5 flippin` weddings this summer. Been trying to find a dress & I FINALLY found one today. I got it at Maurcies for $44! It's pink and oh so very pretty! I took a picture on my phone to send to one of my girlfriends.... in the process I see that a diamond (it's fake of course.. kinda of like a broach on the front) was missing! Give me a damn break! I'm going to take it back BUT the kicker is... that was the only one in my size. Damnit!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

What should I do?

A friend of mine whom is married to a good friend of my husbands is pregnant and due in Sept w/her 3rd. I'm pretty good friends w/her I guess but I'm having a really hard time w/her pregnancy as I would be due almost the exact same day had IVF #1 worked. I've been avoiding her almost the entire time of this pregnancy and it seems to help. Anywho... I got an invite in the mail for her baby shower (I know its her 3rd but its her 1st w/her hubbie now). I don't know if I should go or not. I'm having a hard time w/showers, babies and bellies right now and I just don't think I'm w/it enough to make it through. I'd feel really bad for not going and I highly doubt anyone would understand why I skipped out but... I really, really, don't want to go. Any advice? What would you do? I will get her a gift even if I don't attend.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


I made an appt w/a new RE is ST Louis. I couldn't get in until Aug 25Th but I guess that's better than nothing. Since my IVF #2 will begin sometime soon after that I figure I will keep that scheduled w/my current RE but still meet w/this new guy to see what he has to say. If IVF #2 doesn't work I think we will move on regardless. Just wanted to let you all know! Hope everyone is having a great Thursday!! Thank god the weekend is almost here. =)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Consult & Randoms

Bullets today as I haven't updated in a while...

  • I had my consult today w/our RE. Basically he said he thinks we should definitely do anther IVF cycle and we should try and not get discouraged that it hasn't worked for us. He said that everything went perfect as far as the ovary stimulation, embryo quality, lining.. yada yada yada. He said he won't change anything on our next IVF because the first one went so well. There is basically not a damn reason why things haven't worked for us. That may be good or bad. I don't know what to think. He said there is no reason to think that we will NOT get KU this next time. As far as the past FET's have went... they went perfectly as well. He did say that the grade of embryo's weren't as good as w/the IVF but that was to be expected as we used the best ones for the IVF. I think we are still going to make an appt w/another RE just to say what he says. I'm currently on CD13 and will have a progesterone b/w done next Friday to see if I've ovulated. If not I will be put on Provera and will start BCP the following C. Should have ER & ET the beginning of Sept. I'll keep you all updated on what I decide to do.
  • I'm still feeling very depressed & I can't seem to shake it or think of anything else lately. I am enjoying my TAB cycle but it hasn't really took my mind off IF much. One of my friends (friend that started trying months after me, got KU on her 1st try) had her daughters 1st b-day party over the weekend. I was happy to go but it made me very sad. I'm just so afraid that I will never get the chance to have a 1st b-day party. I've been thinking lately of the things I may miss out on. I know I just need to try and stay positive but... it's getting harder every day.
  • After my appt today DH & I went to The Olive Garden for lunch and then did a bit of shopping! He has been bugging me to get a Garmin Navigation System for a while and I finally gave in. He was messing w/it the entire time I went into the mall & Gordmans! I didn't buy much... got a new pillow for a chair (Bree tore the last one to shreds), got some new panties from Aerie & a pair of jeans & a 2 cute t-shirts from AE. We were going to to the movies to see Hangover tonight but.. it was 5:00 by the time we got back home & we really don't want to leave the dogs another 2 hours by themselves. Hopefully we can go this week sometime. I hear the movie is hilarious.
  • I haven't started selling the candles yet. I'm still waiting on my starter package. Turns out the lady that makes them computer crashed so she is unable to make the labels for my kit. Hopefully I'll get it soon so I can get started. I'm already in the hole $100 bucks and haven't even payed for the kit yet! Haha. I'm so excited... I've got business cards, set up my checking account, bought a planner & lots of other random things I think I may need to get started. I'm going to have to sell a lot of candles to make my money back!
  • I know there was tons more stuff I was wanting to say... my mind is starting to wonder and I'm starting to get tired. I think I'll go lay on the couch!! I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I've been such a bad blogger. I just don't feel like I have much to say right now... selfish I know. Just been kind of laying low.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Consult pushed back

Blah. Had to push back our consult w/the RE to next Tuesday. Jake can't get out of work tomorrow. Ah well I guess now I get to spend the day at home! I was hoping to get the consult done ASAP so I could get a consult w/a new RE if we decide to go that route. We shall just have to wait and see! =)

AF is being a bit better today. No more cramps and the flow has slowed down tremendously. Thank god. I thought I was going to have to start buying stock in Playtex!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Small update

Hi ladies! Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been kinda busy lately but I have been trying to keep up w/my reading. Just haven't been commenting much. I know... I suck. Sorry girls.

My beta was a BFN, which we already knew would be but that was last Monday. I'm on CD4 today and OMG AF has been terrible. I've had cramping and really heavy flow mixed w/clotting. I've been going through a tampon at least every few hours. I even bled through a tampon, my underwear & my pj bottoms Friday in my sleep. Talk about gross. I'm sure its just from all the extra progesterone but geeesh. AF hasn't been this heavy for a long time. We meet w/my RE for a consult Tuesday so I will let you all know how that goes.

We didn't end up going on a trip this weekend. We did go out to dinner at Chili's last night (about 1hr away) and went to Staples (also 1 hr away) to get some supplies for my candle selling (I'm so excited about starting it!). We are still going to try and get away for a weekend soon. Hopefully very soon.

Speaking of getting out of town... Friday night Jake's dad called and wanted to talk to Jake. I really didn't think much of it but later I asked what his dad wanted. Jake just started crying (very strange for him to do that) and said his dad was saying that he really wanted us to go on a little vacation together because we just aren't the same anymore. He can tell how hard this whole IF has been on us and thinks we really deserve it and he would pay for our cabin (insert jaw drop here). He told Jake that he misses the old, feisty me. He misses me telling him to "fuck off" and just being the carefree person I used to be. This of course made me start crying, so here we are crying over the old us that is gone and will never return. Its really sad. We used to be so happy go lucky and now it takes a lot to even get a smile or laugh out of us. I hate the way we are. I know a weekend get away will not bring that back but I do hope Jake and I will have a good time just being US... not IF US.

I hope all is well w/the rest of you & I will try to catch up w/you all this week.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I'm doin` it!

I'm going to be a Double Blessings Candle Consultant! Yeah me! I'm not taking orders yet because I don't have my stuff yet BUT I will be soon! I'm so excited. =) You girls talked me into it!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Side job.. your thoughts?

I'm thinking about becoming an independant sales rep for You'll have to check it out and read up on it but basically part of the proceeds for selling these candles goes to help couples fight IF and I would earn 40% of my sales. This company is based out of IL and I've actually owned quite a few of these candles, which are awesome by the way! I figure what a perfect way for me to earn some extra dough and help out other IFers. What do you guys think?

Friday, May 29, 2009


I feel like I'm dying. Literally. I'm totally blank. I feel like nothing good will ever happen for us. My heart is so fucking broken right now. I feel like it will never heal. I hate this, I seriously fucking hate this. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that... just wanting to get some of this out before it puts me completely over the edge.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I let it out...

Of course I couldn't NOT cry all day long. Please. I had myself a nice good cry session and now I feel better. For now anyway. I'm trying to tell myself that it isn't over yet, that there's still a chance. An extremely small chance. But A chance.

Jake and I decided that we are in dyer need of a get away and we need to do it fast. Emotionally we are spent and we need some positive "us" time. We are looking into going on a nice road trip (about 6 hour drive) and stay in a cabin in KY next weekend. I'm not sure at this point if we will be going for sure or not but I'm really hoping it all works out. We would be spending the weekend hiking and basically just being out doors and relaxing. Our cabin will have a hot tub which I WILL be letting Jake get into =).

Our next step is to have a consult w/our RE & an RE in St Louis that a friend of mine went to. I want to compare what the two think and what their protocol will be. We plan to do this over the next month or so. We are also planning on starting the adoption process this summer too. I'm anxious to start both things. We will be TAB from TTC for the summer and plan to spend it having fun and trying to do things for US.

I will be POAS again Friday and then again on Sunday. BETA is Monday.


As expected. I haven't cried... maybe I'm just immune now. Maybe it's acceptance. I don't know. It could be early ya, but we know that BFN isn't going to change. I do anyway. I just don't understand.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Welp I broke down and bought some FRER yesterday so I plan to POAS tomorrow morning. I will be 12DPO, 9DP 3DT. I'm off tomorrow so if its a BFN I have the day to sit at home and whaler in my own self pity. I'm hoping to almighty God that the only tears shed by me tomorrow are tears of joy. Stay tuned...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Googin floggen

I don't know that that means but that's my title today. My mind is a freaking mess.. so badly that I can't even come up w/a decent title damn it. I had to go back to work today. It pretty much sucked, like everyday. Nah... it wasn't that bad but it was hard to go back after being gone for almost a week. I had training in the morning which I was happy about because it gave me extra time to sit down and not stress. But alas.. there was an "I'M PREGNANT" announcement. Ugh. That makes 5 (that I know of) girls that are pregnant at work. For fuck sakes when is it going to be my turn? I know, I know I should be all positive and what not but I'm not. I knew I wouldn't be. I know this FET is going to be a bust just like the rest. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have to figure out a way to live my life and be happy. I just don't want the only pieter patter of little feet in my house to be from my dogs. ~Sigh~

Monday, May 18, 2009

PUPO- Take 3

I will make this short as I need to get back to laying on the couch...

Out of the 4 frozen embryo's we had left only 2 made it. We had one 8 cell grade B & one 6 cell grade B. Apparently that's what they were at when we froze them so they haven't grown at all. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The RE seemed kind of neutral about it. I'm really disappointed that only 2 made it but I just have to be positive that one of those 2 will pull through this time. BETA is June 1st.

I hope everyone else is doing well. Hope to catch up soon.... for now its back to bed rest.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Funerals & stupid comments

Today was grandma's funeral. It was a nice service. There were lots of stories told that I never knew about. Some made me laugh, others made me cry. My grandma was one hell of a woman. I never really realized how much alike we were until today. My grandma was quite the talker, just like me. My grandma told it like it was, just like me. Not to mention how much we look alike. Only real difference is that she was an awesome cook. I on the other hand am terrible! I will miss her so much. I've been missing her for years though... she'd been going down hill for awhile and hadn't been the same in along time.

At the funeral I had some of the stupidest stuff said to me. Not about grandma but about my IF and FET coming up on Monday. Not sure who told the world (probably my mom) but OMG!! Half of these people I barely even talk to. I couldn't tell you how many "I'll be praying for you Monday" or "You just need to relax and it will happen" comments I got. So many that at one point I actually said to someone... "You know, relaxing isn't going to do shit for me, I'm young yes, but that doesn't mean squat. Don't tell me to relax." I probably just should have let all of that roll of my shoulders but... I had to speak up. It was driving me nuts. And #1 worse comment was said by a close relative that has known what was going on for along time (My mom tells him everything). At the visitation in front of EVERYONE standing outside he said LOUD as hell... "HEY Jayme, are you still trying to have a baby or have you given up?" I just glared at him and said "Yep" and walked inside and shut the door behind me. COME THE FUCK ON PEOPLE! Who does that? Seriously? Like being there didn't suck bad enough, I had to deal w/stupid IF comments from dumb people for the last 2 days!

As always thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

We're a go! (Take 3)

I had another RE appt today and things look WAYYY better. My estrogen level was at a 810. Which the nurse said was super! I didn't catch what my lining measured but my RE said it was much thicker and my uterus looks much better than it did Monday (Monday he said it looked good so I guess now its awesome=). FET#2 is set for Monday at 1:00. Thank god. I was so afraid it would be canceled. I'm so relieved that things are looking up. Now I just have to hope that my embies do well and are of good quality. ~Fingers Crossed~.

Grandma's visitation is today... I'm not looking forward to it. Not that anyone ever is but... I really hate these things. I've seen far too many deaths in my short 25 years of life. Many friends, uncles, Grandparents, my Dad. I could go on but you get my point. I ~loathe~ visitations and funerals. When I die I don't want to have a visitation and funeral I want a big party. Maybe a big kegger w/a bond fire where everyone can celebrate life.

I almost forgot to tell you all... I apparently have a mouse living in my car. That's right my CAR! I have had many peanut butter crackers being eaten and I went to eat a piece of gum last night which I keep in my car... yep little chew marks on my bubble gum! We put traps out last night but haven't caught the little bastard yet. How disgusting!

I hope to be able to catch up w/you all this weekend. Sorry to make this so short but I need to pick up the house a bit and start getting ready for the visitation. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Love you guys!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Bad Day

I guess I will put all of this in bullets because its so random of just how terrible my day has been.
  • My grandma passed away today. She'd been sick for a while and was in the nursing home. It breaks my heart to know that she is no longer w/us. She was such a great grandma. I remember spending countless nights at her house. I had so much fun there. I just feel so horrible for my mom... she's now watched her dad die of cancer, my dad die of a massive heart attack & now her mom of old age, dementia, and a hodge podge of different things. The visitation is Thursday and Funeral on Friday. God I'm going to miss her.
  • I had an RE appt this morning. My lining was at a 8.4 and estrogen was 208. They like for the estrogen to be at 250 so now I'm taking estrogen orals on top of my patches. My transfer will not be Thursday.. its looking more like Monday or Tuesday. I go back Thursday morning so I should know for sure then. Great... at least it didn't get canceled. Yet anyway.
  • Work sucks ass. I swear if one more piece of equipment breaks I'm going to loose my fucking mind. Everyday its the same old crap. It wouldn't so such a big deal if something broke down BUT the piece of equipment that keeps breaking is a major machine that we use to count money everyday.. because of the pile of poo my drawer was off $20,000 today. At least I figured it out! If I had to show my drawer off that I probably would have lost my job. AND IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT!?!?! Damn machine!
  • I will probably be very busy this week w/the funeral and helping my mom w/stuff so I'm sorry if I don't get around to comments for a few days. I love you all & I hope everyone has a much better week than me!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Who will be there for us?

After work tonight I went to a local restaurant that has been around for ages. There are a lot of older people that eat there for every meal of the day. They have the best fried chicken and noodles which is why I was there picking up food in the first place. Anywho so I'm standing in line waiting to pick up my chicken and I look over to my right and there is an elderly couple paying for the meal they had just ate in the diner. The woman must have had Alzheimer's or something like it and was very shaky and kind of shook back and forth and but the man seemed to be in rather good health considering he was probably in his 80's. The man was very patient with his wife and helped her with her purse and helped her walk through the lobby and out the door. I watched this couple the whole time. It made me feel very happy that she had such a great husband that was so patient with her and that she had someone to take care of her while she was in that condition instead of being put in a nursing home. Almost immediately I thought... man what if something happens to the husband, where would she go? Who would take care of her? Does she have children that could care of her? I hoped she did. After thinking about this woman for a while I then thought... what about me? What if something happens to Jake. Who would take care of me? What if I get sick like that when I'm old, who's going to take care of me? What if we never do have children? What if something happens to me, who will take care of Jake? If we never have children one of us will most likely die alone. How long would it take someone to find our body? Who will come visit? Who will celebrate our birthday's? Who will get us a Christmas gift? It's things like this that I hadn't thought about until now and these are things that will continue to haunt me. I don't want to die alone & I don't want Jake to die alone.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Award & some more random's

Thank you Jenny C for the award! Now I have to nominate 5 other Super Bloggers... I nominate Dot, Margariet, Sherry, Misty & Steph. They are all super Super Bloggers =) I could nominate tons more as I love all the blogs on my blog roll to the right BUT I can only pick 5 =(

Now for the random boringness of my life.

  • I have my FET in exactly 1 week. Yeah, yeah I'm getting a BIT more excited about it. That is a very small BIT though. I'm still mostly just wanting it to be over so I can try and collect myself and decide what the hell I'm going to do next.
  • People at work are driving my banana's about baby talk. Grr... how much can people talk about babies! Its really getting to me. What am I to do though? It's not like I can say "Hey prego's can you stop talking about your babies while I'm around? I don't want to hear it all day." Probably not the best thing for me to do.
  • Lupron has been giving me the worst f`in headaches. All I want to do is lay in my room in the dark. Light sucks.
  • So Saturday at work we are passing out flowers to all the mom's that come in for Mother's Day. Yeah I'm lucky enough to have to work this Saturday. Just what I want to do, pass out flowers to mom's. Not my idea if you hadn't noticed.
  • I guess that's all I have to say today. My head is killing me and I can't think clearly. I'm going to lay down for awhile!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Send hugs...

Please go over to Margariet's blog and send her some hugs. She needs them today.

Friday, May 1, 2009

FET cycle has begun

I had an RE appt yesterday for another u/s & b/w. Things are looking great so I've officially started my 2nd FET cyle. I started Lupron and stopped BCP Monday. AF found me yesterday and I also started the estrogen patches last night. I have another u/s & b/w planned for the 11th and transfer is set for the 14th. I'm really hoping that maybe my embies will be of better quality this time and hopefully all 4 will make it so I can transfer them all. ~Fingers crossed~ I asked about the endometrial biopsy and they said they didn't think it was necessary because I'm on progesterone & estrogen supplements so if there was a problem w/my lining that would take care of it. Urm... does this sound right to you? I was just like "umm okay then." I didn't ask about my lining being so thin because I'm HOPING I just misheard last time. I'm going to see what its at on the 11th and if its not what I think it should be I will speak up. Basically I get the feeling from them that there is nothing left that they can/will do for me. According to them I've had all the tests and we are unexplained. I hate that. I want an answer. If this doesn't work we plan to have an official consult w/my RE and see what he says and then have a consult w/a different RE if mine can't give me any answers. We still plan to TAB from June-August due to my work schedule and need for some TLC for myself and the hubs.

On a different note.. the weather here is horrible! It wont stop raining. I'm so pissed because we planned to go shopping for flowers and get them planted this weekend. Looks like we will be shopping for them but it will be a while before they get planted. Its supposed to rain all next week too. Blah.

I've also been thinking a lot about Mothers Day this year and the fact that I think its a shitty holiday. I think all women should be celebrated that day. Are any of you doing anything for yourselves that day? Does your hubbie get you a gift? I was talking to Jake about it and I think we might get each other a little something for Mothers/Fathers day just to make ourselves feel somewhat special that day. Your thoughts on the subject?