Sunday, June 15, 2008
Well here I am.
I've finally created a blog. This is something I have been thinking about doing for awhile just to write down my thoughts and try and get some shit off my mind. I don't have a whole hell of a lot to say today. I'm in a pretty shitty mood. I woke up this morning to good ol' Aunt Flow. What a whore. I hate her. I get the worst cramps! So far they aren't too bad but by the end of the day I'm going to want to rip my uterus out. Last cycle was the biggest let down I've experience yet. I had my first IUI combined w/HCG & clomid. Alas.. it failed. I wasn't surprised. This cycle we are doing 2 IUI's back to back w/HCG & clomid. Christ I hope this works. I seriously don't think I can take another negative. It fucking sucks. Last night was a bundle of laughs too. We had some friends over. Man they can say the stupidest shit sometimes w/out even trying. I know they mean well but good lord when your friend just tells you that her artificial insemination failed would you then go on and on and on and on and on about how you are going to start trying to have a baby!!? NO you wouldn't because I'm sure you have a brain right? Probably not. Most people are just so uneducated on the subject of infertility that they truly don't know what to say I guess. Seriously though would you tell a friend of yours that just lost their legs that you are going to go out mountain hiking and how AWESOME of a time you're going to have and basically say "um... sucks you cant join us on this incredible journey". As soon as everyone left I just went in the bath room and bawled my eyes out. I'm so tired of feeling like a damn failure. I've had 2 friends that have started TTC, got pregnant and had their babies after I started TTC and here I am still waiting for a +. Now 2 more friends are going to start trying and they will probably deliver too before I even see a BFP. IF I ever do that is. The fact of the matter is... if I knew I would get PG in 2 years I could live BUT there is no promise in that. It may never happen and that I can't deal w/that. You are probably wondering why I'm having trouble becoming pregnant and here's why: I rarely ovulate on my own w/out medication, DH's has a varicocele and his SA is on the low side of the norm and I have hostile cervical mucus that basically kills all the sperm before it can even pass through the cervix. That's why we are trying IUI's hoping that we can bypass all the obstacles and get the sperm where it should be and all is well. Man I've said a lot more than I thought I would today. Anywho.. better luck next time I guess. Infertility blows.